Welp, looks like a pretty open and shit case to me! Gun Girl apparently pooped her pants at a college party. And let me tell you, once you shit yourself in public, thats it. Thats who you are. Thats what defines you. Even this chick – the single most insufferable girl on the planet, with such an over the top bombastic shtick and calling card – even she will be defined by the poop in her pants. Everything else just fades to the background. Like she gets all up in your face with an RCP 90 with a microphone in your face screaming about how she wants her guns and the only thing you’ll be thinking is “You shit yourself at a party? How did that happen? Did you gamble on a fart? Were you passed out? Did you make it to the bathroom at all? How’d you get home? Did you wash the clothes or just throw them out.” You’re gonna have a lot of questions and they arent gonna be about the Second Amendment.
Pretty funny that this will be the demise of Gun Girl. It wont be any sort of gun legislation that stops her. It wont be the realization that she has spent the best years of her life running around like a fucking lunatic spouting off about the right to shoot guns because she’s been manipulated and exploited and completely blinded by this overly politically charged world. It wont be a mass shooting where dozens of innocent people and children get slaughtered and she maybe thinks “Hey you know, maybe I kinda look like an asshole spouting off about how everybody should have guns at all costs while parents are mourning the death of their children.” It wont be anything like that. It will just be that every. single. interview. she does from here on out will have someone telling her that she pooped her pants. I dont care how tough you are. How thick you think your skin is. If you’re constantly bombarded with poop pants harassment, you will cave.
Because like I said that shit sticks with you. My buddy shit his pants at the prom after party in high school. Guess what absolutely EVERYBODY remembers about him? If you guessed “He shit his pants at the prom,” you’d be correct. I mean I’m talking like every time he runs into an old friend or theres a reunion or something, people are like “Hey whats up dude? Didnt you shit yourself at prom?” Its like Cheese in Old School. Didnt we lock you in a dumpster once?
Now luckily my buddy has the charisma of a fucking champion and hes one of the most beloved people ever so he overcame. Its almost like “Hey man didnt you shit yourself? That was awesome! How you been?” But other people with personalities that arent so great, well they dont see the same fate as he did. I knew a girl who had butt sex in the laundry room of her dorm freshman year and she had the worst type of anal sex mishap you can possibly have. You know what she did? She got out the transfer papers. Just canceled her whole existence at that school and started over. Assumed a new identity. Everyone at her original school still call her Butt Sex to this day, but she started with a clean slate and some clean underwear elsewhere.
Well how is Gun Girl gonna transfer? She cant. You can transfer schools but you can transfer internets. You cant transfer lives. This chick with her giant horse hair and her boiled hot dog legs is as recognizable as it gets. Everywhere she went she was begging for attention. Begging for the spotlight. She established herself as Gun Girl. A very established brand. Very established look. Well now Gun Girl becomes Poop Girl and everyone knows who she is. Shes gonna have to start trolling her old college campus as a sad, empty super senior asking people their opinions on pooping their pants. What rights do Pants Poopers have? What does the constitution say about pooping your pants? More people are killed every year by getting struck by lightning than they are pooping their pants. The only way to stop a bad guy pooping their pants is a good guy pooping their pants.
Good luck with your new career, Poop Girl.