Who In The Fuck Even Was Saint Valentine?
If you’re saying to yourself “ughh herrre I aum again, alawne on Valentine__Day like some pathetic loser, who do I am blame for this??!”(Those aren’t mispelling there. It phonetically correct sounds of those words with a big spoonful of Haagen Dazs in your mouth). Or if you’re thinking…”uggghhh I JUST spent a ton of money on Christmas and now we have do to something expensive again? Who do I blame for this?”…well it’s not Hallmark. Look above. That long bearded ugly weirdo is the Patron Saint of Lovers. He also happens to be the Patron Saint of Epelectics and Beekeeping. A strange combo and maybe this Saint has lost his touch because both love and bees seem to be disappearing at an alarming rate.
Anyways…here is a little history lesson for all of you out there.
It all started with fucking guy:
Ole pencil lip Emporer Claudius. 3rd Century AD Roman Emporer. Claude was a real heathen. Born as a barbarian. Career military guy. Devoid of feelings. Once knocked out the teeth of a horse with one punch. When he became emporer all he wanted to do was fight everyone. The Goths were first. After he whipped their ass, took their name in his to let them know he owned their ass, he set his sights on Gaul. Gaul is now France. And back in the day it was fucking FAR away. Over the Alps on some shitty roads with your shitty toothless horse. Gone for years at a time. After a while, the troops were tired of conquering and pillaging. They just wanted to go home, see the kids, and pound the wife.
Roman Soldiers: Uhh, Emporer Sir…can we go home now?
Claudius: What? No. We have to invade Gaul!
RS: Why?
Claudius: Do you guys understand what happens if we conquer Gaul?…WE GET GAUL!
RS: But sir…we miss our families
Claudius: Oh do you? You miss your families and your wives…well you can’t miss something that doesn’t exist, marriage is cancelled. Fuck your wife
Fucking Claudius just up and cancelled love and Saint Valentine wasn’t having it. Even though it was treason he decided to marry young Romans in secret so they could go be fruitful and multiply and spread the word of god in the year of the lord two-hundred and seventy. 300 some odd years later the Pope decided to make February 14th “Valentines Day” and people having been complaining ever since.
Why February 14th you ask? Well That was to replace a Pagan fertility ritual(probably the fucking Gauls which is why Claudius wanted to conquer their heathen ass to begin with) that took place every February where young women would be whipped with animal hides and covered in blood. So if you’re disappointed with today, whether your single or in a longterm relationship, just be thankful that you’re not getting covered with animal blood so you can get pregnant this Spring! Happy Valentines Day, everyone.