PORTLAND - You’ll hear The Whistler before you see him. Some say he haunts the Old Port. To others, he brings amusement. But to Robert Smith, it’s a calling. “I walked around singing for a year,” the 32-year-old said during one of his high-pitched rounds of downtown Portland. “I whistled a tune one day. I don’t know where it came from.” Smith pauses for a moment, a large crucifix hanging from his neck over a football jersey. “It came from God — that’s where it came from,” he said of his passion for whistling. “God is showing me what I’m doing is OK. He shows me every day with laughter.” Smith’s whistling triggers a wide range of reactions from the people he passes on sidewalks and street corners. He shows up in online comments, blogs and videos. Some downtown businesses and the Portland Police Department aren’t amused, however. Over the past year, in fact, Smith has been summonsed, arrested and taken to court for disorderly conduct for “loud whistling.” Smith is now free to whistle, but only under one unusual condition: He has to keep walking while he whistles. The requirement that he keep moving was mutually agreed upon by Smith and the city in court so he doesn’t annoy businesses and passers-by in any one area.
Let me making something perfectly crystal clear – if you whistle, you are an insufferable asshole. I’m not talking about if you’re trying to hail a cab or you’re whistling loud while cheering at a sporting event or something. I’m talking about if whistling is your shtick. Like this homeless asshole Robert Smith who just walks around making high pitched annoying noises with his mouth. Not even whistling a specific song or tune. Just arbitrary mouth noises. Fuck that. We live in a world of constant noise. Ringtones and honking horns and music blasting and whatever else is bothering people. Sure as fuck don’t need you whistling some song that only you know to add to all that nonsense.
I just don’t understand the rationale behind whistling. How could you possibly think its a good idea? You think that theres people out there who are like “Dude I love that made up song of monotone noises you’re making with your lips. Keep doing that. I want to hear more of that.” There’s no way anyone can possibly think that, right? So then who are you doing it for? Are you doing it for yourself? Are you really entertaining yourself with that tune? For sure not. Long story short there is absolutely no reason or benefit to whistling. Its like you’ve got a song stuck in your head and instead of just dealing with that you whistle it out loud to ruin everyone elses day around you. Shut the fuck up, whistler.