Bracket Burst? Then Vote for the Worst: Biggest Piece of Celebrity Shit Tournament (Part 1 of 7)
I wrote a boxing blog the other day, where I started by wishing a speedy recovery to Adonis Stevenson, a boxer who had just recently come out of a medically induced coma after being on the business end of a devastating knockout just one month prior. I thought my sentiment towards Adonis was the least offensive thing within that blog because the rest of the content was filled with pornography and foul language… You guys know how silly I can get.
So you could imagine my surprise when I checked Twitter later that day only to receive a DM from someone I don’t know chiding me for sending what he felt was undeserved thoughts and prayers towards the Stevenson family. You see, unbeknownst to me, as a teenager, Adonis was a low-level pimp in Montreal. As is so often the case with pimps, he was abusive towards women, and ultimately went to prison for his crimes. While in prison, he also pled guilty to aggravated assault after putting a fellow inmate into a coma… Which (according to fellow Canadian, Alanis Morrisette) is ironic… Don’t you think?
(for those of you too young to remember that song, consider yourself lucky)
After serving 18 months, Stevenson immersed himself in boxing and credits the sport with helping him grow into a law-abiding, suburban father of four who now mentors at-risk youth… Or at least he will hopefully go back to youth mentoring once he recovers fully from the whole coma thing.
It got me thinking- Should I no longer root for Adonis because of the deeds he committed in his past? And how hypocritical is it for me to give him a pass when I have left other athletes for dead after committing much-less-heinous acts?
Another case in point- I was forwarded this story by a couple of people the day it hit the news wires…
The title says it all- Tyler has spent a considerable amount of time and money building centers dedicated to abused women… Which is noble AF, obviously.
People forwarded me this story because I wrote a seminal piece last year outlining how the Aerosmith frontman had a relationship with an underage girl…
In 1975, Tyler somehow managed to wrangle custody of 14-year-old groupie, Julia Holcomb, from her parents so they could live together. They were together for almost 4 years, during which time she drank, used drugs, and fucked. They split when she was 17 after Tyler pressured her to get an abortion at five months into her term (one week before the legal cut-off for abortions… PHEW!). She went through with it, moved home, and except for a few phone calls, never heard from Tyler again.
So, to sum up, Steven took her at 14 and then returned her at 17 after 3 years of pumping her full of booze, semen, and ultimately an unwanted abortion… Lucky he kept the receipt.
I assume since I wrote such a vitriolic article about Steven, people thought I would be outraged that he is now trying to do good by women when 44 years ago, he was a real scumbag, but I am not. Throwing a bunch of money at a women’s charity won’t erase what he did, but it’s a lot more than anything I have ever done in an attempt to reconcile my past indiscretions.
I still don’t have any Aerosmith songs in my iTunes account, but that’s only because I don’t like Aerosmith.
For the second time in this blog, I will type this phrase: It got me thinking- What the hell dictates whether or not I should be able to support an athlete, artist, or celebrity with a questionable rap sheet? (outside of common sense, of course)
Is there some sort of “Badness Scale” for people to consult when considering if they can like someone named Ray? Specifically, why is Ray Rice still off the menu, but Ray Lewis somehow remains in the public eye?… And we can all agree that Rae Carruth should be thrown into a fucking volcano, right?
I am pretty sure I can’t listen to R Kelly anymore, but am I still able to enjoy a Jell-O Pudding Pop every now and again?
I won’t see a Woody Allen movie but is it okay giggle at the actor who played Nordberg in the Naked Gun movies even though he nearly cut his fucking wife’s head clean off?
You may say the simple answer to all of these questions is, “Do whatever the fuck you want, Large… Nobody cares what you do.”, but that type of ignorance would prevent me not only from writing the rest of THIS blog but also from penning the 6 MORE CORRESPONDING BLOGS that will follow on this subject.
How can I stretch this marginally interesting topic over 7 blogs, you might ask?
Well… By corresponding it to the NCAA Tournament, of course.
There have already been a number of fast-food-related brackets from Jeff Lowe. Dave has been instrumental in the pizza bracket available on his ONE BITE app. Clancy spent HOURS creating a field of 64 broads to find who is the hottest piece of celebrity ass. And I am creating a little interactive bracket to find out who is THE BIGGEST PIECE OF CELEBRITY SHIT. I was originally going to call it “March Badness”, but there were some licensing concerns with the real tourney. I also toyed with the name “64 Celebrities, One Cup”, but scat enthusiasts at pornhub balked.
Much like my colleagues, I am hoping this will appeal to people whose brackets have blown up early. Or perhaps it’ll appeal to those who have no interest in sports but a BIG interest in assholes.
In it, I am going to choose 64 recognizable artists, athletes, and/or celebrities who have all had some transgressions in their past, and you can vote through which ones are the absolute worst.
The way I will break it down is over the next 4 days, I will give 4 Regional Recaps. In each recap, I will give you 16 names, seeded 1 through 16, and introduce you to the player and their sins. Each Regional Recap will be a multiple thousand-word blog, so at the very least, they should keep you occupied during any long trips to the restroom.
Most of the people involved you will already know about, but you won’t know the details of all 64 unless you are a very sick fuck with A LOT of time on his hands (like me).
There are only 64 entrants, so I assume there are HUNDREDS of scumbags left off the list either inadvertently, or because I just felt like leaving them out… Again, I am fully aware there are a SHIT-TON of names that won’t make it, but I promise I will make note of every single exclusion listed in the comment section(s) and include them if this bracket ever happens again.
For example- Hitler will not be on there (even though some consider him a celeb)… I am trying to stick with people who you may have the chance to support some time in the near future. So outside of the Pudding Pop reference I made above, I am just trying to decide if you can buy a Tyreek Hill jersey without guilt, or answer honestly when someone asks, “Who’s the greatest runner with no legs?”
There will be four regions, just like the NCAA, but I gave up in trying to label them with common themes. I would love to have the Murder Region or the Domestic Abuse Region, but unfortunately, when celebs commit crimes they don’t consider symmetry. As a result, I ranked the 64 and then split up the 4 regions as sensibly as possible, tweaking it slightly to ensure what I think are interesting matchups.
As is the case with most tourneys, I assume ultimately the favorites will populate the Final 4 because Sean Penn is an asshole for beating up Madonna, but he’s no Harvey Weinstein. Or Michael Vick’s treatment of animals is not as bad as Kevin Spacey’s treatment of genitals.
So tomorrow, I will intro the first 16, and then give out the other three regions over the following three days… Each day will complete another quadrant of the eventual interactive bracket.
The seedings will not always fit the crimes, so don’t bother questioning some of the outlandish rankings. And I will be as specific as hell when the misdeeds committed are either alleged or confirmed. I am not looking to start rumors about anyone, so I will try to be assiduous when describing crimes that ended with a conviction versus a settlement.
So let’s just say there’s a certain celebrity on the bracket who has been married 3 times AND has had all three of his wives accuse him of domestic violence. However, he’s never been convicted of any crime… If that lack of conviction is enough for you to forgive him, then do not vote him through. However, if you think the allegations are enough smoke for you to assume there is a corresponding fire, then vote accordingly.
Hopefully, by Friday you will have had enough time to consider all the players, and at that point, I will release an interactive bracket… Free of charge, of course.
There will also be a tab on the main page for the tournament itself, so you can just click on that tab if you want every tourney blog neatly listed in one spot… As opposed to wading through 100s of other blogs from the rest of the firm.
The person or persons who fill out a bracket that matches mine EXACTLY will get a drink on me (or the cash equivalent, if you don’t like me and/or alcohol), and the following the week I will release the winning scumbags of each round, ultimately leaving us with the BIGGEST BADDEST PIECE OF CELEBRITY SHIT on the planet.
Good luck, and take a fucking report, you filthy pieces of shit (the celebrities, not you).
-Large