Jesus Is Clearly Returning, As A Cross Has Washed Up On A Florida Beach

There is nothing I respect in this world more than the religious world’s ability to pull off a grift and the ability of all followers to immediately buy into it. I mean look at this tweet! 21.5 THOUSAND retweets that “He” is coming back! The video has almost 2 million views!

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All for what is clearly some sea garbage (I don’t know if it’s from a dock or a part of a ship or what, but it’s not for crucifixions)

It’s been happening since the beginning of time but never ceases to amaze me. Be it Jesus burnt into toast or a bakery that has a cinnamon roll that looks like the Madonna or your dog barking when you ask god to “give you a sign” or a piece of trash washing ashore, religious nuts LOVE to “find” any “sign” that the messiah is real and making himself known.

Aside from that obviously not being the cross, if god were to return there is no way he’s making his first stop Florida. That’s where refugees with literally no other option go, not an omniscient being. God might pop up in Newport or Nantucket or San Diego but Ft Lauderdale isn’t on his list of first 100,000 places to visit. Florida completely disappearing is more realistic proof of god’s existence than a cross on the beach.

But, like I said, I respect a grift and I gotta tip my cap to these Floridians. Tourism ads are expensive as shit and the “A bad day in Florida beats a good day anywhere else” campaign kinda lost its luster when that dude on bath salts ate a man’s face in Miami, so you gotta go the viral marketing route and tweet about god’s return. Step aside Lourdes, get out of the way Fatima, go to hell Vatican… Fort Lauderdale is the new place to be for a Catholic pilgrimage. They said they’ll be leaving the cross out for visitors and photo takers so get there soon, before it washes away.