In 2019, you’re playing with fire to even hint at the suggestion that someone can flip their sexual orientation. It’s been 16 years since Ben Affleck made Gigli, and he’s still taking loads of crap for his character implying he could sex the lesbian right out of Jennifer Lopez’s character:
It speaks volumes about how passionate people are on the topic that this is the issue they have with Affleck, and not that he subjected the world to what is objectively one of the most unwatchably terrible movies of our lifetimes.
So with that disclaimer, I’ll tread lightly with what I’m about to say. Is it possible Julian Edelman is so damned sexy, with his lustrous beard, sure hands, humor, toughness, clutchness, three rings and Super Bowl MVP trophy that he might have the power to actually change someone’s sexual orientation? I say yes.
A while back The Irish Rose and I were watching a Pats game with several pairs of couples friends when they showed a shot of the sidelines focusing on Edelman, Brady, Danny Amendola and Jimmy Garoppolo and someone said “Look at them. They’re the like the Mount Rushmore of Handsome. Honey I love you, but I’d do it with any one of them.” And the person who said it was me. I’m a lifelong hetero with a career streak of 25-plus marital years of uninterrupted monogamy on my resume, but I’d consider using a Hall Pass on Minitron. And I don’t think I’m alone among male Pats fans. These feelings are a natural part of growing up.
So if his silver football-shaped trophy could knock the hetero out of me, who’s to say it can’t give Ellen the Straight? She was obsessed with trimming his beard. Couldn’t show his naked ESPN Body Issue photo fast enough. And offered to go down and manscape his bathing suit area. The sexual tension came right through the screen. And I don’t even think she’s got a fetish for Lombardi Trophies the way I do.
So Ellen, I’m not saying you’re having these feelings. But if you were, I can totally relate. I’d just prefer the beard stay on. Because Clutch Playoff Beard Edelman is my favorite Edelman.
Right after Noted Book Critic Edelman, that is: