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What's Worse Than Getting Beaten Up By 2 Girls Swinging A Metal Bat During A Road Rage Fight? Getting Beaten Up By 2 Girls Swinging A Metal Bat AND Getting Your Car Stolen!

OK, so we can all agree that there are three potential scenarios playing out here:

1. This guy is the unluckiest son of a bitch on the planet. Like his luck is the polar opposite of Portnoy’s to the point that this all went down as Dave was being arrested, the Patriots were winning the Super Bowl, and #FREEPORTNOY was trending on Twitter. I always wondered if we all have a bizarro version of ourselves where when something good happens to one person, his/her bizarro version has something bad happen to them to make sure that the world’s luck is balanced, as all things should be. This guy losing a car while picking up some bruises, a few raspberries, and multiple insurance claims at the very moment Dave was reaping in pageviews, t-shirt money, and the $100K he bet on the Super Bowl kinda makes perfect sense. You can also make a case that the car jacker could be the bizarro driver since he walked by a car with the door open and the engine running. Truly the perfect crime.

2. This took place in a real life Grand Theft Auto city where people get assaulted and car jacked every hour on the hour to the point that people just record it all going down without their pulse rising one iota. To be honest, this is a real possibility since most of my life has been spent in the Winterfell burbs. I did do a 5 year bid in NYC as a young man. But this is an absolutely ridiculous scene that is probably even above 2019 New York City’s pay grade.

3 (and most likely). This guy was set up by the two girls who didn’t “just happen” to have a metal bat in their car ready to bust up someone’s ride because of a little honking. The one girl tossing the other girl a bat like D-Von and Bubba Ray Dudley during their ECW days shows the type of team chemistry they have. Once the girls got the mark out of the car, Lollipop Dude would be able to stroll over cool as a cucumber like he was picking up his own car from the valet and just drive away into the night without a care in the world that he’s sitting on a bunch of broken glass.