I Don't Know How To React To Finding Out That Johnny Miller Sucked Down Bottles Of Cheez Wiz During Broadcasts

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. – Johnny Miller is retiring, and Cheez Whiz will never be the same. Miller and his longtime broadcast partner, Dan Hicks, met the media Friday as they brace for the final telecast of Miller’s illustrious career at the Waste Management Phoenix Open on Saturday. Miller reminisced about his 29 years in the broadcast booth and his illustrious playing career before that, but the atmosphere was one of raucous laughter more than tears. Asked if there was a Miller quirk that he will miss after sitting next to the outspoken legend for the last three decades, Hicks didn’t hesitate. His answer: liquid cheese.

“If had to single out one thing that I think typifies Johnny is and it’s going to sound crazy see but it’s Cheez Whiz,” Hicks said. “Easy Cheese Whiz, there’s a brand.” “So, Johnny would get in,” Hicks added. “I would look over there and he would have the nozzle of the Cheez Whiz thing implanted, basically mainlining cheese whiz like — and I go, ‘You’re actually sticking that in your mouth. The rest of us probably shouldn’t be using this.’ So, our illustrious stage manager, Kathy, would actually put a piece of gaffer’s tape on it, on the Cheez Whiz bottle.”

So today is Johnny Miller’s last time in the booth and everyone is telling stories and getting emotional and blah blah blah. I’ve never been the biggest Johnny Miller fan but I’m able to step outside of my hatred and see that he’s had an incredible 30 years in the booth. He’s an asshole but it can be nice having an asshole commentator from time to time. Did he say the word “nerves” way too many times? Yes, yes he did but he’s still had a long and successful career. I get that.

But this latest information is stunning. STUNNING. I’m not entirely sure how to react to it. Everybody was telling sappy stories about Johnny Miller and then Dan Hicks comes over the top and is like, “The thing I’ll remember most about Johnny Miller is that he loves to suck on the nozzle of Cheez Wiz bottles during broadcasts.” EXCUSE ME WHAT??????WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?????? And they have video of it! It’s just Ol Johnny Miller sucking on a bottle of Cheez Wiz like it’s a cup of coffee. How is this just coming out now? How is Johnny still alive with that type of habit? I was literally speechless when I saw the video. For a few minutes I thought they were joking. I thought they set it up and were making some kind of joke because there couldn’t possibly be a reality where a commentator mainlines bottled cheese during golf tournaments. Turns out there is and his name is Johnny Miller.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Cheez Wiz. It’s delicious and by far the most convenient type of cheese. Over the course of my life I have sucked on a few Cheez Wiz nozzles myself and let the goodness fill my mouth hole. It’s great. But at no point did I do it so consistently that someone had to put a piece of tape with my name on it on the bottle so everybody knew it was mine. That’s the case with Johnny Miller. A stage manager had to get a piece of tape, write Johnny Miller on it and slap it on a Cheez Wiz bottle so nobody else would use it. Stunning. I still don’t totally believe it. What a legacy to leave behind.