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Parents Complaining That Fortune Cookie Fortunes Are Too Racy

NY PostRomance is dead — in your fortune cookie! The world’s largest fortune-cookie manufacturer has cut the heart out of its confections, removing romantic messages in response to complaints from parents of young children. “Some parents sent us e-mails. They said they didn’t want their kids reading them,” said Derrick Wong, a VP at Brooklyn-based Wonton Food. “Different people have a different perspective.” Gone are suggestive fortunes such as, “One who admires you greatly is hidden before your eyes,” “Romance and travel go together,” “The evening promises romantic interest,” and “A romantic mystery will soon add interest to your life.” Company officials said they understood why parents said some of their cookies were too hot to handle. “Romance and travel, for example. Suppose you’re on a business trip with a colleague, that doesn’t mean you want to have a romantic affair,” said Danny Zeng, another VP at Wonton. Zeng said that if he gets more than two or three complaints about a fortune, he’ll screen it out. “We want to put messages inside our cookies that don’t upset a single person. We don’t want customers to have negative feelings,” he said. Wong added, “Messages have to be rated G. They can’t be offensive.” Saucy messages have been replaced by milder fare, such as, “You make every day special,” “No one on Earth is as beautiful as you,” and “Only love makes us see ordinary things in an extraordinary way.” Fortune-cookie experts agree it’s best to keep messages bland. “This makes sense because romance is tricky. There’s no one size fits all,” said Jennifer 8. Lee, author of “The Fortune Cookie Chronicles.” “You never know who will get the cookie,” she said. “ ‘You will meet a tall, dark stranger,’ means one thing to a 20-year-old fashionista — and another to a 6-year-old kid. Romantic messages aren’t one size fits all.”

I feel like Chinese restaurants were are last bastion of hope to stop the world from pussification. It was the last line of defense between the rational world and the world of concerned mothers and their snowflake kids. Chinese restaurants are the place you go when you’re like 14 years old to get served alcohol. Eat some General Tsaos chicken which is undoubtedly cat or dog meat, pay like 20 bucks total, and call it a night. Walk out of there with your head held high and your dick at half mast because your fortune cookie more or less said you were gonna get fucked tonight.

But our last stronghold has fallen. They’ve broken down the walls and taken fortune cookies from us. “You make every day special.” Thats not even a fucking fortune. Thats just a statement, and a subjective one at that. “Only love makes us see extraordinary things in an extraordinary way.” Ever heard of drugs, Fortune Cookie? “No one on earth is as beautiful as you.” Well now you’re just fuckin lying. These are just like “Nice Statement” cookies. No fortunes involved at all.

To be honest I think we should just change fortune cookies to truth cookies and brace the world for whats in store for them. Advice Cookies, if you will. “You’ll plateau at your office job 3 years out of college. Either have a back up plan or start exploring recreational drug use to stay happy.” “No matter how many girls you’ve had sex with, when you get old you’ll wish your number was higher. Have sex with as many people as you can right now.” “If you make money girls will like you. If you’re poor you better be funny.” Not exactly fortunes predicting the future but more like sage words from a Chinese oracle or something.