So this week on Red Line Radio I had to suffer through a few minutes of Pro Bowl talk. Now I’m as big a degenerate as the next guy but the Pro Bowl is so fucking bad that I can’t even bring myself to gamble on it. Would rather throw money on some random AAC basketball game than watch that garbage for any amount of time at all.
But I’m an ideas guy. LOVE me a good idea. I never really have one myself but can recognize a good one when it’s presented to me. So I’m gonna take a crack at a few ideas that I’ve brain stewed to make the NFL all star game more watchable. I can’t handle this 2 hand touch shit anymore. I think we can all agree that the NFL has become to pussified and we need to eject some of the edge that it used to have back into it. So here are my ideas:
5. Man vs. Beast challenges
Back before Joey Chestnut murdered him in cold blood and brought the Mustard Belt back to its rightful home in The U S of A, Kobayashi was on top of the eating world. He was so good at eating hot dogs that Fox thought it’d be cool to see if he could beat a Bear in a hot dog eating contest. Now the Bear ended up beating his ass and Kobayashi kept looking over his shoulder like the Bear was going to maul him the entire time, but it was hilarious. Imagine the biggest current Bear on earth Akiem Hicks in a hot dog eating contest against an actual Bear?
PS this show was actually awesome. I’d love to see Tyreek Hill race a Kentucky Derby thoroughbred in a 40 or Kyle Long arm wrestle an orangutan.
4. No Fair Catches
The NFL doesn’t have forward thinkers like me in their marketing department so there’s no shot #5 happens. Instead we are forced to watch real, actual “football”, but they can still fix that if they follow these rules.
The video above was a college game, sure, but it’s the exact kind of aggressive playmaking I don’t want to see, I NEED to see in the Pro Bowl. Players have all summer to figure out their concussions and broken ribs. Get rid of fair catches. Make it like the XFL
3. Targeting is allowed
The title of this video is called “NFL illegal hits”. Disgusting. If you don’t want to get hit in the head, go play soccer.
This goes back to point 5 where I want all fair catches to be outlawed, but expands on it. Ever hear the phrase “keep your head on a swivel”? Well in my Utopian Pro Bowl, if you don’t keep your head on a swivel, your head will be swiveled.
2. Fan voting
Now I’m not talking about fans being allowed to vote players into the game. I’m talking about voting fans INTO the game. I played fullback at a nationally renown HS football powerhouse, Wheaton Warrenville South, and was voted the hardest hitter my freshman year. I would be honored to get a 32 dive and truck stick some loser middle linebacker who isn’t playing in the Super Bowl.
1. Indian outs with the tennis ball machine from American Gladiators Loaded with 16″ softballs
If a player is scampering off to a long touchdown, I propose that there’s a former American Gladiator with one of the tennis ball launchers standing on the sideline ready to take out the players eyeball. Good old fashioned Indian outs. Are we still allowed to say that? Not sure but as long as the Washington R words and Cleveland Indians exist I think I’m in the clear.
Thoughts? Feel free to purchase a Barstool Gold membership and leave your ideas in the comment section