A Woman Got Arrested For Allegedly Driving Drunk On Vanilla Extract And She Should Be Buried Under The Jail

AP- Police say a Connecticut woman charged with driving under the influence was drunk on vanilla extract, which contains a significant amount of alcohol. Hearst Connecticut Media reports that New Canaan police found 50-year-old Stefanie Warner-Grise sitting in a car at an intersection with her eyes closed at about 4:45 p.m. Wednesday. Officers say they found several bottles of pure vanilla extract inside her vehicle. They say they detected an odor of vanilla on her breath, her speech was slurred and she was unable to answer basic questions. Police say she was arrested after failing field sobriety tests.

First of all, if you drive drunk, you are an asshole. Plain and simple. You should be arrested and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law not for the damage you can do to yourself or your passengers but for the damage you can do to the other innocent people on the road. ESPECIALLY in the Uber Era we live in now. There is just no need for it. I don’t know how drunk driving ever became cool to some people, but if you do it, you should be thrown in the paddywagon and are officially rebuked by me.

However, if you get pulled over for being drunk off of vanilla extract, you should be put in a special jail reserved for supervillains and violent criminals. Voluntarily drinking vanilla extract is the truest example of pre-crime that there will ever be. If you willingly drink that disgusting swill in order to get a buzz, there is no telling the vile shit you are capable of. I would rather have Kim Jong Un in a room with all of our nuclear codes than a vanilla extract drinker. I don’t even understand how this lady got her hands on enough vanilla to fuck her up that much or for the cops to smell it on her breath. Anytime I need it, I don’t have any. And anytime I have it, I lose it somewhere in the abyss of my cabinets. Only the most deranged people would hammer down vanilla extract while dartying despite its taste and bad name it gives to the first ballot Hall of Fame flavor of vanilla.

P.S. I had no idea that vanilla extract had any alcohol let alone a “significant amount”. Gotta chalk that up to not being a degenerate. Credit to me for being obsessed with the foods that slowly kill you by giving your heart disease than shit that will get you blacked out off of a couple swigs.

P.P.S. Remember darty? What a fucking wild time that was for the blog. I’m still not sure what happened to be honest, but I don’t think I liked it.