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BREAKING NEWS: Barstool HQ Is Getting Cleaned For The First Time In 3 Years

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Do you see that? Do ya see it? That my friends is what I’m told is a “mop”. I had to verify it with several sources, because I too couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw one of those today. What is a mop doing in Barstool HQ? Well get this— after 3 years of working in this office, it is *gasp* finally getting cleaned. That’s right.

The floor that has been puked on

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Pissed on

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Jizzed on

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And otherwise just treated like a barn has finally met a mop for the first time. It’s one of the biggest moments in Barstool HQ history.

Also, look at this weird contraption:

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Dusting?! What??? You mean the metric ton of dust we’ve been breathing in every day could have simply been wiped away? Well I’ll be darned.

Look at this shiny bar. I’d even consider sitting down at it for a beer if we ever for a second had an actual functioning bar.

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But let’s be honest, if we ever actually hooked any sort of keg up to those taps, nobody was going to maintain them or take care of them and we’d all be drinking moldy beer for the rest of time. So shout out to us for not ever hooking them up, probably saved a few lives.

And don’t worry Big Cat,

your pile is still here, unfortunately. They did clean up all the old candy wrappers and a couple dead animals that were under your desk though, which is nice. And you got more organized as well. More like Bin Cat amright!?!

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Sorrey for promoting gun violence. SHEEEESH!

And this one is for Riggs and Hank- recognize this?

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That’s the space under your desks! No old tshirts or random hard drives to be found. Incredible right?

The bathrooms were mopped. Trash bags of junk taken out. Everything sanitized. I am high as a kite right now and my eyes are on fire because of all the chemicals I’ve inhaled all day and I could not be happier. I mean sure Ken Jac is missing a pair of shoes some odds and ends will be reported lost, but folks, beggars can’t be choosers. The air feels lighter and happier and your lungs don’t feel like they are turning into tar from stepping off the elevator. A momentous day at Barstool HQ indeed.