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The Legend Of John McDonough; Part 2

dunce

A month or so ago I wrote all of my favorite John McDonough stories that I had heard over the years from people in the Blackhawks organization. Everything from killing trades to cancelling birthday parties because the ice cream was too frozen. Preposterous stories. Stories that are good for a laugh and an eyeroll about the figurehead atop the Blackhawks organization. When I wrote that blog I assumed that more people from the organization would reach out a with a collection of their best John McDonough stories. I thought they’d come FLOODING in and boy did they ever. Unfortunately most of those stories, if I wrote them, would probably get Barstool Chicago letters from lawyers containing the words “libel” and “slanderous”. The stories that I can actually use without getting sued and/or fired came in as a trickle. So no frosting licking this time and we won’t get into what John would ask employees what they’d do for a Stanley Cup. The Legend Of John Continues…

John McDonough At Practice

practice jerseys

Supposedly the Blackhawks were the first team in the NHL to have practice jerseys with names and numbers on them. Many teams have it now. It’s not a big deal. The reason the Blackhawks did that though…so John McDonough(and supposedly Jay Blunk) could tell who was who on the ice. He had NO idea what he was looking at.

John: “Great hit out there, Kaner?”

Kane: “What?”

John: “The hit you had at the end of practice”

Kane: “Sir, that was Dustin Byfuglien”

Enough interactions like that and John told his secretary to get numbers on the jerseys so he could watch practice and not feel like a complete baffoon.

mannaquin

“who is our new defenseman? He looks really good out there?”John McDonough

John McDonough, Team President, Which Includes Hockey Operations

john mcdonough practice

One more time, explain what offsides is

It’s been LONG rumored that John McDonough is a meddler in Hockey Ops. Going all the way back to Cristobal Huet and Brian Campbell signings. McDonough loves a W in the papers as much as on the ice. He was also rumored to have killed a Hossa trade summer 2017. It has a bit of a Jerry Jones vibe, but that would probably give John too much credit. Jerry Jones actually played football and won a National Championship at Arkansas. John McDonough has NO hockey background whatsoever. That doesn’t stop him from attending virtually every Hockey Ops meeting. Ideas from scouts and personnel people will be bounced around the room and John McDonough will pipe in with HIS thoughts on particular players given his extensive background in hockey then he would end his statements by saying “let’s just make sure we are making the right decision”…that’s his line and his contribution to every Hockey Ops meeting. Without him, the Blackhawks would have made some wrong decisions. Thank god he was there.

Johnny Ops probably had some heads rolling over this video clip from the draft

draft night

This interaction was like 5 minutes after the Blackhawks drafted Boqvist. Hey Mark Kelley…that guy you just drafted, is he good? What’s he supposed to say? “Nah man, he sucks. BUST”. It’s a tough look to be clueless and then have to get up in front of the media when you fired the best coach of a generation and say that you “believe in Stan and believe in this roster” and then the roster goes on to finish in last place. That’s why I didn’t include the Pinocchio nose John McDonough shirt in the blog. In order to lie you need to willingly deceive people. I don’t think McDonough knows enough to be able to willingly deceive.

And if you don’t know enough then you better have a guy

Johnny’s Hockey Guy

johns guy

Enter, Al MacIsaac. It’s been said that Al’s primary job in the organization is to just explain shit to John. I don’t know if that’s true, but that’s what I’ve been told.

One of the things John must like about Al…his clean cut appearance

“That’ll Be $25, Kid”

McDonough runs a tight ship which means your face better be clean. McDonough instituted a no-facial hair policy and would simply deduct money straight out of your paycheck as a fine if you didn’t comply. His obsession with hair didn’t stop there though

“Get Out Of my Sight”

Last time I told you about how McDonough sent home a VP for not reading the morning paper. That’s not the only time he sent someone home. There was allegedly a joke going around the office because one of the employees on the business side cut his own hair. John was so disgusted with him that he sent him home. The same John McDonough who rocked this haircut for decades

mcdonough hair

I don’t know how much John paid for this look, but he was overcharged because it certainly looks like he did it himself.

McDonough has experienced a bit of a glow up in the hair department. He’s moved from a shady alderman look to a cross between Joe Biden and Mike Pence.

From the right angle

mcd hair 2

He totally has hair

mcd hair

Dress Code Matters

We discussed that he was a stickler for colors last time, but that’s not all. You were expected to wear your white or blue dress shirt with a tie and do NOT let John McDonough catch you with a tie that doesn’t reach your belt buckle. For that offense…you guessed it…go home. Can you imagine would happen if McDonough ever met Merrill Hoge?

m hoge tie

He’d probably spit right in his face. Disgusting tie, Merrill.

McDonough sounds like Captain Sobel in Band of Brothers. If you haven’t seen it…then in honor of John McDonough, close this blog and go home. Basically Sobel is a tyrant. A real sonofabitch who has a high ranking, but doesn’t have the respect of his men because he’s actually terrible at his job and everyone in the organization kind of hates his guts but are also too afraid to challenge him.

I’ve exhausted all of my stories on McDonough for now. At least the ones that are fit to be published for a few jokes on the internet. I know you people in the Blackhawks organization are reading this. If you have more, you know where to find me. Just do it. It’ll be fun.