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How Do You Like Your Government Corruption?

burke-660x330If you’ve paid any attention to Barstool Chicago you’ve noticed a higher proportion of corruption and political blogs about Illinois and Chicago. That’s partially on purpose. It’s a ridiculous political scene that’s earned every bit of it’s National Laughing Stock designation. Naturally there’s a lot of bloggable content there: state congressman catfishing bros with his ex’s nudes, 40% of our city workers earning $100k+, $8.5 BILLION airport renovations, a new “cool” governor, like really really “cool” governor, extremely out of touch mayor, an overly involved community watch group, and certainly the most startling, we have a bombshell federal investigation in our city’s longest tenured Alderman.

Eddie and I dug into the Alderman investigation a few weeks ago and chopped it up on Dog Walk. Our goal was to shed some light onto Alderman Ed Burke and the significance of his investigation. If you don’t know anything about the sheer lunacy of Chicago politics, this is a good primer. Bang bang.

We kinda figured the story would fizzle itself out. Again, we’re talking about a legitimate famous Chicago politician – a phrase that makes me want to vomit hot barf – getting raided and indicted by the United States Federal Government. We’re not talking about the Cook County Sheriff knocking on your front door. (No disrespect Tom Dart.)  When the Feds are doing the raiding, you’re already fucked you already know. They’re not wasting time or taking risk on someone like Ed Burke unless they know they can bury him conclusively for being a corrupt piece of shit.*

Screen-Shot-2019-01-04-at-8.10.56-AMYour honor I present Exhibit A, Ed Burke looking like a Mob Boss from a Marvel Netflix show

Naturally we thought Ed Burke would just ride off into the sun, have a cup of coffee at some privileged minimum security facility in southwest Indiana and then poof that would be it. No way a guy like Ed Burke is willing to get into a fight he can’t win. Like this shouldn’t evolve into a real trial at all. And certainly there’s no fucking way he could run for re-election while this is going on, right?

From the Sun Times last week:

In a sign of how seriously he’s taking his re-election, Ald. Edward M. Burke (14th) faced off against his two opponents in a candidate forum. “I’m the incumbent,” Burke said modestly in introducing himself to a lively audience at New Life Community Church.

Burke started the evening with a quote from King Henry VIII and attempted to use his advantage of incumbency to tout everything from the Chicago Park District headquarters moving soon to Brighton Park to a pair of new warehouse facilities under construction to a gun buyback program. “I think one can simply look around to see the success we’ve had working together,” Burke said.

Seriously though if you’ve been slipping me crazy pills please stop. This isn’t funny. This is absurd. Ed Burke will not go away. At this point it’s getting pretty sad watching him try to hold his head up at a respectable level.

Mother consoling dejected daughterDon’t Worry Honey They’ll Fix The Burger King

Anyways, instead of him just walking backwards into Lake Michigan and letting us get on with our lives, Ed Burke continues to drum up news and it’s getting fucking JUICY. We got ourselves arguably the biggest election this city’s seen, ever, in less than one month.

It’s seriously better than any reality television show I could come up with. House of Cards was more realistic when Frank Underwood threw Kate Mara in front of a speeding train and then became president. Like that’s more realistic fiction than this, and this shit is happening in real life.

*Spoiler Alert

Anyways, if Ed Burke is sticking around and staying relevant than so is my coverage. Eddie and I will get deep on the Dog Walk later today. Here’s the updated headlines we’ll be covering.

- Burke’s Son Arrested For Domestic Abuse Then Charges Disappear  – and then he got a big job with Cook County even though he was under investigation. Oops turns out his dad sent over $100k+ to the Cook County president to run for reelection.

Police Union backs Ed Burke - which he could use to make a big deal but the reality is he’s a former Chicago Cop going back to the mid-1960’s and has allegedly always been one of the CPD’s strongest backers.

- Burke’s Law Firm Fired By Sterling Bay - this one’s the funniest because Sterling Bay is a multi-billion $ real estate development firm. Ed Burke had their Chicago business, presumably worth a fuck ton of money. The fact he got caught shaking down a Burger King is outstanding in light of this.

- Burke’s Brother Inflates Pension By Resigning – his brother was a longtime state legislator that – you guessed it – represented Burke’s ward in the State Capitol. Good work if you can find it. Anyways he got crushed in the 2018 election and then resigned on 12/30/18 which locked in a higher pension then just serving out his remaining term.  

Not done yet. Again, this guy is still running for re-election lol

- Burke’s Extortion Strongly Tied to Cook County President - he’s probably taking Toni Preckwinkle down in the process. Even though she returned $100k+ of his campaign contributions, you can’t scrub that stink enough.

- 23-year Alderman Danny Solis Wore A Wire On Burke - and now the plot really starts to thicken because Danny Solis is the brother of MAJOR Democratic political operative Patty Solis Doyle who has built a career doing things like telling President Obama and Hillary what to do. A handful of Aldermen in 30 years have worn wires, and in all cases they were already popped for corruption. Was Solis acting on his own? Under direction of FBI or even worse, at the direction of National Democrats? Seriously what the fuck is going on?

- Several Aldermen Got VERY Mad About The Wire - “snitches get stitches” – George Washington

I need a fuckin breather

That’s much better.

Anyways sorry if this overwhelming hopelessness crushes your soul like it does mine. Eddie and I will have more later today on the Dog Walk. Unfortunately it appears this story isn’t going anywhere.