I Did NOT Try To Steal 20 Red Bulls From 7/11

Alright I just had to put this vicious rumor to rest despite many lawyers advising me to “shut my mouth” and “let them do their job.” I wont sit idly by and allow my good name to be dragged through the mud on the world wide web like this. Easiest way to tell this isn’t me: I would never, EVER, wear a Phillies hat in 2019. I may be white trash but I am loyal white trash in my old age. That’s first of all. Secondly, I would like to believe I have better breakaway capabilities than this individual displayed. Either that or that one store clerk had a vice grip the likes we haven’t seen since Benjarvis Green-Ellis was toting the rock in Foxboro. Thirdly, and most importantly, this guy was way too skinny to be me. Also appears to have most of his teeth in his face. I’m almost insulted for him that he was ever confused for me.

Plus, I wouldn’t dare hurt my hands before my Rough n Rowdy debut next Friday.

Dave would kill me if I couldn’t perform in Atlanta and I simply cannot let him down for such an important fight night.