LaGuardia Airport Is Shut Down, Runs Exactly The Same As Usual

Because of the Government shutdown, there’s a shortage of air traffic control staff, so they’ve temporarily grounded flights out of LaGuardia airport in Queens, New York.

Now, listen. I don’t know if you have ever flown out of LaGuardia, but here’s the lowdown. It’s an extremely convenient airport because of its proximity to the city, but that’s as far as the good goes. Stepping foot in this airport is like walking directly into a human rights crisis. It’s like a third world country over there. I always flew out of O’Hare growing up, which is a beautiful, clean, impeccable airport with lots of food options.

Imagine how I felt the first time I walked through LaGuardia. The walls were visibly teeming with bacteria. The questionable restaurants were serving food several years past their expiration date. The $18 caesar wrap I purchased was dry and filled with a unidentifiable cheese-like substance. I actually saw someone eating verbatim, the sad cheese sandwich from Fyre Festival.

It was at once freezing and so hot I felt like I was on the subway, alternating every 5 feet so I could never figure out whether to take my coat off or keep it on. Every time I stepped into a hot patch I could hear the screams of the damned wailing up from hell and every time I stepped into a cold patch I’d look to my right and see (GAME OF THRONES SPOILER) the Wall being blasted down by a white walker dragon.

There was one women’s bathroom with, I shit you not, one single working toilet for an ENTIRE terminal, and that one didn’t even work, it was continually flushing so you had to pee with spray coming up. The other stalls were occupied with stone-faced men in Hazmat suits hanging up “DANGER: NUCLEAR WASTE” signs. There were just loose children roaming between FEMA tents and skinny, 3-legged dogs feasting on leftover scraps travelers left at the Auntie Anne’s.

Of the 6 flights into Chicago that day, each one was delayed at least an hour. The flight attendants announcing the delays had the stuck, forced smiles you only see in videos of hostages saying “everything is okay” where you can see the reflection of a man holding a big gun in their eyes. On my way on to the plane a TSA agent slipped me a tiny piece of paper that said in shaky, barely legible handwriting “please help. they only feed us airplane food and won’t let us leave”.

I thought maybe it was just an off day, but no, I’ve now flown in and out of LGA 10 times in the last few months and that’s been my experience every single time.

Maybe LaGuardia should take this as an opportunity to close down and revamp their sad airport that’s been under construction for 22 years and looks no different. I mean, it’s flying passengers in and out of one of the world’s busiest cities. I know the non-poors fly JFK, but LGA is so convenient. I shouldn’t be punished for living 15 minutes from it. So, if you’re flying LGA in the next few days and you’re worried about the airport being a mess, just remember: there will literally be no difference between this and a normal travel day.