The choppers down
Guillermo’s freezing his balls off
The lake is frozen
And minus four degrees does in fact look a man dumping
These are facts guys. Today sucks and I’m very sorry about it.
Making matters worse, it’s suppose to be -30 next Wednesday and according to meteorologists everywhere that’s not wind chill. That’s cold hard Fahrenheit. All minus fucking 30 of it.
Here’s some things you can do to take your mind off the cold.
1. Quit your job – you’re already miserable because it’s cold so just walk off your job today and you’ll feel great next week when everyone is crying about how cold it is.
2. Jerk off - as long as I’m making lists for you guys I will be including this one.
3. Go to an OTB – there’s one in Crestwood that opens at 10am. That’s the earliest one I know. Nothing takes your mind off minus 30 like losing a few hundred dollars.
4. Miller Lite with a Beef - slam dunk city population everyone
5. Watch a movie based on a book
6. Referee a youth basketball league – Hear me out: great exercise, decent population of single moms, authority/respect, get to call charges, cash payment. We’re checking a lot of boxes here guys.
7. Get a New Job – you just quit your old job so good time to look for a new one
8. Stay Inside And Do Nothing Without Guilt - last one is kinda my sneaky favorite because deep down inside we’re all lazy selfish assholes so use this opportunity to crush an XL thin crust without guilt. Do whatever you want inside the comfort of your own home. Literally anything. Hookers, drugs, 501(c)3 charity work. Doesn’t matter because no one judges anyone when it’s minus 30.
Tell me what I missed on twitter @barstoolcarl thx