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I Can't Wait To Hate Arch Manning For The Next 30 Years

Traditions and rivalries are what keep folks coming back to sports year after year. Without them there would be no juice. Without Falcons fans trembling in fear at the mere thought of the Saints winning the Super Bowl in their building there’s no dancing on Saints’ fans graves when the League fucks them over. A coin needs two sides, and for me and other Patriots fans the other side of our coin is hating the fuck out of anyone with the last name Manning.

Peyton, Eli, Archie, and yes even you Cooper. Guilty by association, ever heard of it? You’re no angel, bub. You’re judged by the company you keep and your specific company stole at least four rings straight off Tom Brady’s hands. They had the entire game of football changed so that Peyton could finally beat the Boogeyman known as Ty Law. Then Eli went and jammed his open-mouthed face into the mix and from that moment on I’ve had absolutely enough of this family.

With Eli stinking out loud the past few years and Peyton retired I honestly thought I’d never get this feeling back. Kind of like how the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry still exists but hasn’t had the same intensity and vigor as it did prior to 2004. I thought I’d never get this feeling back with a quarterback ever again in my life. Luckily, Cooper went out and had himself a son to reignite the flame inside.

If you think I’m above hating a 7th grader well guess again, bitch. Arch is already getting offered from Tennessee to come be their guy in like 2023. If you’re old enough to receive college scholarship offers then you’re old enough to get hated on online. Those are the rules. Arch is such a dickhead name. Go full Archie or GTFO. And even then that name stinks out loud. If he was Arch Smith no one is talking about this kid. I wont even live long enough to see the end of his probably prolific NFL career since, again, he’s in middle school now and I am a wildly unhealthy human being. But as long as I’m breathing he’s right near the top of my shit list. I’ll be ready to laugh at every third down he doesn’t convert, every interception he throws, and every big game he loses. And then if he goes on to win eight straight Super Bowls I’ll spin it so that it makes Peyton look bad. Either way I win. See you the next three* decades, Arch.

*Two at best if modern medicine improves drastically