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You Should Be Very Thankful You Are Not Married To This Woman

Screen Shot 2019-01-24 at 11.11.30 AMGRANITE CITY, Ill. – Controversy is brewing at an Illinois medical office after an unusual sign went up. It says a doctor left because a woman nurse practitioner was hired. Some upset patients arrived at the office Tuesday and were greeted with an odd sign notifying them they needed to find a new doctor. The note says her doctor resigned from the office because his wife would not allow him to work there since the office hired a female nurse practitioner.

The sign read: “Dr. Lupardus resigned from our office on Friday, 1/18/19. The reason he resigned is because his wife would not allow him to work here since we hired a “female” nurse practitioner. We are very sorry for any inconvenience this has caused you.”

The office released the following statement from the nurse practitioner:

“On my first day on the job as the nurse practitioner, I went to Dr. Lupardus and said ‘Can I ask you a question.’ His reply was ‘He, the other doctor, is dealing with you, not me.’ I told him it was regarding his patients and was told, ‘The other doctor will answer any questions,’ and he walked away. He did not speak to me the rest of the day.”

The doctor offered no comment when asked about the incident.

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Imagine being a doctor and not having control over life. I honestly didn’t even know that could happen like doctors are supposed to be exempt from nagging. Like that’s why you become a doctor. That’s why you slave away in Medical school while all your idiot friends take entry level sales jobs. You sacrifice practically all of your 20’s so at some point you can literally never be wrong about anything and always tell people what to do.

Unhappy patient sharing problems with doctorDon’t worry I can give you drugs

Talk about an all time buzz kill. This guy hasn’t had a night off in 20 fuckin years apparently and no wonder he doesn’t have a comment. His wife is probably holding a pistol to his head as I write this. Some relationships are just the worst.

So with that here’s my exhaustive list about this shit you do not want to upset your wife about:

1. Thank You Cards – you don’t have to write them but you do have to sign them. Another thing is you can’t have fun while she’s doing them. You have to do something equally mundane like review your health insurance deductible and out of pocket max or some other adult shit.

2.  Smoking Cigs – kind of a no brainer but still bears repeating. Maybe 20 years ago but not these days.

3. Smoking Cigs Inside – playing off #2, this is a huge no no

4. Not Flushing A Dump – again we’re not building a rocket ship here guys just laying out some basic facts. Sometimes you take a long steamer then jump in the shower and she comes home and then you forget and 20 minutes later you get a OH JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU SERIOUS. If caught here a good bounce back joke is I thought that was yours and then she should have a moment of hesitation like fuck maybe that is mine. It’s not.

5. Bed Time – The longer you’ve been with a woman the earlier she goes to sleep on week nights. Don’t be alarmed to see some 9pms on the scoreboard after you get hitched.  In the process she’ll repeatedly ask you if you’re coming to bed to which you’ll repeatedly say no. If she sleeps in then it’s on you for not giving her a more predictable sleeping environment even though she just logged 10.5 solid hours.

6. Jerking Off – be discrete

7. Amazon Boxes – The Cardboard Box Fairy is not coming to your house any time soon but that won’t stop your old lady from stacking those fucking things next to the garbage can 6 feet high. It’s going to be you who has to lug them to the recycling bin and ALWAYS you will be at a crossroads if it’s one trip or two trips. If she helps it’s easily one trip but not worth the hassle. You take two trips.

8. THE UBER IS HERE WE NEED TO GO - not a lot to see here just know that the Uber arrival will put your girl on DEFCON 1.

9. Ordering Food – looking at a menu is now a team effort. Even if you know what you want. Even if you hate sharing. Whatever the case. You must be prepared for an engaged discussion in and around all meals that involve a menu. A good way to get points here is if you know a lot of obscure ingredients. Kimchi is actually a spicy pickled cabbage that originated in Korea dating back to about 37 AD. Great with chicken.

And finally,

10. Working with a female nurse practitioner - have some fucking decency guys. You can’t just show up to work and interact with healthcare babes. That’s sinful behavior and will not be tolerated.