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Here's Why The Cleveland Browns Should Actually Start Showing More Porn In Their Facilities

Cleveland Browns v Baltimore Ravens

So ESPN put out a pretty big piece today on what has been going on behind the scenes over the past few years in Cleveland. There’s a lot of good stuff in there but probably the most important anecdote included is right here.

ESPN – The Browns now were breaking the rules and losing, leading to even more public mocking. The outside anger was felt inside the building. Marketing executives wanted employees to see how fans were engaging with the Browns on social media, so they projected the Browns feed onto a giant wall at the facility. It was like broadcasting talk radio over the entire building, and one day in particular, it was worse than that. One of the marketing staffers entered a search for #dp — for Dawg Pound. The problem was, that hashtag carried a few different meanings, one of which triggered an array of porn to be broadcast onto a wall for the entire office to see for more than 20 minutes, until a tech employee killed the feed.

Right there in the middle of everything that was going wrong with the Cleveland Browns organization over the last few years, they were accidentally projecting double penetration porn right there on the walls for everybody to see. And it took them 20 whole minutes to figure out how to just turn the projector off to stop all the double penetration porn from being blasted across the facilities.

But here’s the thing–what if this is exactly what the Browns need? What if cutting the feed to all the porn was actually the exact opposite decision the team should have made? I mean actually think about it for a second. What’s the worst that could possibly happen if you just have extremely explicit porn being projected everywhere in the facilities? Worst thing that happens is that you have a bunch of dudes walking around the building that are fully torqued. What’s the problem with that? Has anybody ever died from a boner? I mean possibly, but that means they probably had serious heart problems before. More often than not, nobody dies from a boner.

So if that’s the worst that could happen, well then what’s the best possible scenario? For starters, getting the squad fully torqued right before practice is obviously going to make them practice harder. They’re going to be animals out there on the field with all those hormones and adrenaline buzzing. Blast some porn in the weight room? These dudes are going to be putting up massive numbers. Sure, they might but fully erect while doing it but all we have to do is destigmatize the public boner. All I know is that it would have a positive impact on the players.

As far as the people working in the front office goes? Just think about how much better they would be at their jobs if they would just crank one off to the porn being blasted around the facility all day. Everybody knows about the post-nut mental clarity. Your brain is always its clearest right after you dump a load. It’s scientifically proven. And one of the reasons why the Browns had been such a disaster for as long as they were is because of terrible decision making from the front office. The idea here is to let the porn keep playing all day and then once these dudes all nut, they will start to make the best possible decisions for the football team instead of being distracted by whatever else has been distracting them in the past.

Pros: Players turn into absolute animals. Front office can start to make decisions with ultimate mental clarity.

Cons: Everybody is walking around with a boner.

I think the pros easily outweigh the cons there and I firmly believe the Cleveland Browns should start projected more porn onto the walls at work. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.