If You Could Sue One Athlete For "Loss Of Enjoyment of Life" Who Would It Be?

So yesterday I was scrolling my Twitter timeline when I came across this tweet from Rovell. Someone is suing Goodell and the NFL for the NFC Championship game fuckup where the the most blatant defensive pass interference penalty wasn’t called. The damages in the lawsuit are absolutely incredible: loss of faith, loss of entertainment, distrust in the game, and my personal favorite “loss of enjoyment of life.”

It got me thinking who I’d want to sue for loss of enjoyment of life and my brain immediately started rattling off names of current and former Yankees: Greg Bird, Chris Carter, Carl Pavano, Jeff Weaver, Tyler Clippard, Sonny Gray, Chasen Shreve, Luis Cessa just to name a few. That’s before I even get to the Red Sox: Dave Roberts, Pedro, Schilling, David Ortiz, Steve Pearce, JD Martinez, Mookie Betts. I could list names for hours on end. All of the damages this Saints ticket holder is suing Goodell and the NFL for could easily apply to my fan career and I’m sure yours too. Mental anguish and trauma? Yeah how about what Lawrence Tynes put me through in the 2008 NFC Championship Game against the Packers. Distrust in the game? The Fail Mary. I’m starting to think I could get a lawsuit heard in front of the Supreme Court and make a billion dollars. This has opened up a new world to me.

If I had to narrow this impossible scenario down to one person who has just ruined my life I think it has to be David Ortiz. I’m suing that motherfucker for everything he has. Everything. Without him in my life I’m a much happier person. The thought of him right now makes me want to punch a hole in the wall. I might even have hair left on my head without the stress he gave me. That’s it, I’m hiring Harvey Specter and we’re going to court Papi.

What athlete would you sue for loss of enjoyment of life?