I Need Help Negotiating With The Malaysian Government To Buy This Super Yacht For Dave Portnoy

Screen Shot 2019-01-23 at 9.40.29 AMZero Hedge – Malaysia is finding it very hard to sell a 300-foot superyacht linked to major scandal scandal. The vessel is among $1.7 billion in assets bought by fugitive Malaysian financier Jho Low, with funds that were siphoned off from 1MDB –  the source of so many headaches for Goldman Sachs in recent months.

Bidding on the superyacht started months ago but the yacht failed to attract bidders and remains docked in Malaysia.  The broker overseeing the sale was quoted as saying that it is difficult to get buyers to travel to Malaysia to examine the yacht.

At a price of $130 million, Equanimity is the largest yacht listed on Burgess’s website. The vessel can accommodate up to 22 guests and 31 crew, with amenities that include a beach club, health center with gym, massage room, sauna, hammam, plunge pool and beauty salon. Other amenities and equipment include a hospital, a helipad (certified for an Airbus EC-135 or equivalent), and a circular swimming pool. Just last year it had a price tag of approximately $250 million.

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This is actually a serious blog.

Earlier this month my boss Dave Portnoy said he’s not real rich because he couldn’t afford a yacht or an oil field. It was kinda sad because you could tell he was really bummed out.

As the new guy, I saw an opportunity to be a difference maker so I put on my super yacht bargain hunting hat and went to work.  I was like a cracked out college freshman on page 92 of MILF TEEN ANAL pornhub search results, tirelessly gazing through yacht thumbnails in search of the golden ticket. And then I found her.

I present Equanimity:

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Screen Shot 2019-01-23 at 9.41.04 AM300 feet of beauty and grace canvassing the world’s oceans under the Barstool pirate flag. Even better is that we’re looking at a ripe 50% off before we even negotiate. Obviously I needed to do my homework to make some moves.

So I got on the horn with the Malaysian government to see how this story checks out. If I’m spending a hundred million dollars on a boat I need to get my facts straight. I understand the market for Super Yachts can be volatile month-to-month, but dropping the tag $120,000,000 since November is sketchy at best. Something was off. I left a message.

They never called me back. Weird.

First thing you learn in business school is how to draw this graph:

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The second thing you learn in business school? Copy off other people who are smarter. 

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With my suspicions mounting, I called my friend Mark, a proud owner of a 22-foot sailboat in Chicago’s famed Belmont Harbor. He’s been living on his boat on/off for about 6 years since moving home from a bad relationship in Florida with this hot older woman. Sad story but he’s picking up the pieces.

Anyways I asked him what he knew about boat auctions. He told me if a price drops that much in a short period of time then usually you have the seller by the balls. In negotiations they call that Leverage(If you’re gonna broker power with me you might want to start writing these down.) 

So now that I have leverage and I have the boat picked out, my next order of business is finding a negotiator.

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I’m not really worried about the money part yet because forever I’ve been told do what you love and the money will follow. Like yeah I can get wrapped up in being extremely poor or I can take control of life, power my way into a fair price and then flip this baby in the Mediterranean next May when all the big players come down to Monaco for the summer. That’s my passion. Question is who has the brains to finance the action?