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Why Go Outside When You Can Just...Not

It’s fucking freeeeezing in New York today. 4 degrees when I left my apartment with the weather app saying “feels like: -6″. Okay!! Love that for us! Luckily, Governor Andrew Cuomo issued a statement about the weather that I feel should apply to all things, all days.

In a statement issued Sunday, January 20th, Cuomo urged New Yorkers to “stay inside (for the next few days) unless absolutely necessary”. Why keep it pigeon-holed to the next few days? I mean, that’s my entire life’s motto. Stay inside unless absolutely necessary? You definitely don’t need to tell me twice. That’s what I do every day. Why go to the grocery store when you can just have groceries delivered, or even better, have Chinese food delivered? Why go anywhere when you can sit on your couch for 8 straight hours watching Real Housewives (New York)? Why do anything at all when you can do nothing and be happier?

There’s so much we HAVE to do in life. Go to work, pay bills, drink water (I hope you idiots are drinking enough water), etc. We’ve got obligations. So when days like Saturday hit, why would you do anything at all? Saturday morning I woke up at 9am with a wicked hangover and did legitimately nothing for the entire day. My roommate, on the other hand, woke up at 9 and headed off to a workout class. I heard her leaving and I was like “dude, where are you going?” and she said “meeting my sister at the gym” and I said “…..why?”. It mystifies me that people do shit like that when it’s so much easier to not. I only make plans on Saturday mornings so I can cancel them.

Anyways, wherever you are, I urge you to take Governor Cuomo’s words to heart. Only go outside when it’s absolutely necessary. If you need me, I’ll be happily on my couch, happily eating a pizza, happily contemplating getting a cat, and happily dying alone.