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Valentine's Prep: Bronx Zoo Lets You Name A Cockroach After Your Ex

Valentine’s Day is less than a month away & you don’t want to be caught unprepared. Luckily you can get in the spirit ahead of time by naming a Madagascar hissing cockroach after your ex, which will then live inside a hollowed out tree trunk in an exhibit at the Bronx Zoo until the nuclear apocalypse and beyond.

Your ex will get an official certificate on Valentine’s Day Eve; a sweet reminder that you haven’t forgotten about their infidelity & the time they criticized your dog. (Sgt. Scruff was a saint and you know it, Sarah.)

I wanted to see what the real deal was so I went to the Bronx Zoo’s site and named a roach. I didn’t name one after an ex because I’m a *nice lady (*coward) so I went for a coworker instead. Kind of an inside thing but they kicked me out of their lame ball-in-cup league & wouldn’t let me back in when I came crawling back. cc: Trent. (It was the best I could think of in a pinch.)

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I only spent $15 for a basic cert, but you can go above & beyond on all sorts of packages if you’re a baller with a chip on your shoulder.

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It made me glad to see the money I spent actually goes towards the 501C3 Wildlife Conservation Society that protects animals big and small. So this year, hurt your ex, help an animal, & if you’re alone when the day comes just treat yourself & settle in with a nice movie.