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A Cry For Help

I have to lose weight.


The signs are all there. 

Sign #1: I broke a steel fork while eating Eggs Benedict in a luncheonette last week.  

And as long as I am sharing, it wasn’t even real Eggs Benedict.

Instead of a traditional Benedict, I had them replace the Canadian bacon with sliced steak.  I also diluted the hollandaise with so much hot sauce it took on a dark-pink appearance.  And finally, instead of the traditional toasted English muffins, I had them toast a plain bagel to provide a more “sturdy” base for the Benedict… I call this variation the “Eggs Benedict Arnold” because it betrays your colon about 7-8 hours after you eat it. 

Sign #2: One of the bedsheets that I hang over all the mirrors in my master bathroom had fallen off, so I actually caught a glimpse of my naked body yesterday. 

I have gotten so un-aesthetically pleasing there isn’t even a category on Pornhub for people who like to watch situations involving guys that look like me… And from my exhaustive research, I have learned Pornhub has something for EVERYONE.  Closest I can get to a “Large male enthusiast” is perhaps a hybrid blend of the categories “bear” and “BBW”.


Sign #3: I diligently check the structural integrity of ANY wooden chair before I sit down on it.  

Breaking a chair and falling to the floor in a public place is like the final sign of the apocalypse for fatties like me, so I shake every potential seat like an unruly toddler before I deposit my considerable heft on said chair. 


Sign #3: I keep a number of sexy GIFs on my desktop because I love to pepper them into blogs whenever I can.

I think I have maybe 8 or 9 GIFs at the ready at any given moment.

But I also I have 3 times as many pictures of food that I keep “for myself.”


What’s weird is that the Venn Diagram of my GIFs-to-food porn is starting to intersect more and more, as the young ladies I have saved are often handling food…

My cheesecake is literally eating more cheesecake (or cucumbers)…

Is it a HUGE problem to have?

Probably not… But I thought it was worth mentioning.

Sign #4: I scare women and children

I was using public transportation to commute into the office the other day (I only drive on days I do radio), and as my train was pulling into Hoboken, I stood up to stand near the door.  

There was a young lady in front of me who was quite unremarkable, so I couldn’t tell you what she looked like.  

That was until we started to gradually decelerate as the train neared the platform, and for some reason that slight pull of inertia caused me to lose my balance and stumble forward.  

It wasn’t an abrupt stop and my feet were firmly planted shoulder-width apart beforehand.  But still, that routine stopping motion created a sufficient amount of what I think fighter pilots refer to as “G’s” to move me forward enough that my size 14 feet were no longer able to keep my mailbox-like physique neither still nor upright. 

Here’s where that unremarkable woman comes back into focus… We’ll call her “Linda.” 

Linda happened to be looking in my direction as I began to fall towards her, and the look of abject terror in Linda’s eyes was reminiscent of something from my youth that I couldn’t put my finger on until just now. 

Linda’s look of alarm was the exact same face found on the hundreds of Japanese villagers who watched helplessly as Godzilla approached their little fishing village in the dozen or so Godzilla movies I used to watch on WPIX every Sunday morning. 

I was able to put my hands on either side of the aisle and retard my fall before Linda was in any real danger.  And when I righted myself, Linda was nice enough to say, “Sorry if I overreacted there.”

To which I answered, “I get it, Linda.  I am fat.”

After which she turned away and ignored me by pretending to tie her shoe, even though it had no laces.


It was then… after this 4th definitive sign… did I decide 2 things:

1.  It’s time for Large to get less large.

2. That broad’s name probably wasn’t Linda.

So I am going to start to diet and exercise, but I am not hopeful.

I had a similar epiphany around the new year about drinking, so I vowed to complete a “Sober January.”  Well, we are into the final days of the month, and I have been quite damp.

Mind you, my drinking has slowed down considerably over the last 30 days, but I also made a vow that I couldn’t uphold.

Therefore this time, I am asking for help.

Even without the comment section being turned all the way back to the ON position, the readership of Barstool is hopefully still littered with “common men,” so I would love to hear any suggestions as to which shortcut would work best.


The one that jumps to mind immediately rhymes with “bobaine”, but I wonder if there is some other sort of laxative tea, or maybe an unapproved weight loss pill out of Mexico, or a risky surgical procedure out of Mexico that would enable me drop a lot of weight quickly and quasi-safely without doing much dieting nor any exercise.  And apparently, I need it before we build that wall because Mexico is seemingly at the forefront of illegal weight-loss options in the same way Brazil is leading the way in hairless-vagina-technology.


And again, unfortunately, I am asking for input at a time when the comment section is severely depleted (THANKS DAVE!).  I bet, if the comments were in full force, there would be more than enough input (after I waded through the hundreds of “Fuck you, fatty’s”), but I have to assume the GOLD members have also had their battles with the bulge, and maybe their deep pockets will have afforded them some of the quick shortcuts I so strongly desire.


So please… either in the comment field or in my DM’s… Help a fat guy out with any snake oil that you think could take some feathers off this burly raven.  You’ll be helping me live long enough to see my kids get married, and, more importantly, I can finally tell “Linda” to go fuck herself.

Thanks in advance, and take a report.


PS- I may have used her picture above, but I have never been a fan of Gwyneth Paltrow.

We here at Barstool do not condone violence in any form, but Paltrow has always seemed more punchable than bangable… Particularly in the way she plays the Pepper Potts character in the Iron Man/Avengers franchise.

And again, I am sure Gwyneth would find me equally annoying, so I don’t mind voicing my distaste for her.

However, the tongue-in-cheek performance she had in that moderately terrible movie “Shallow Hal” was a favorite of mine, as was the cheesecake moments she had throughout the film.

Be it the upskirt shot when she destroyed the booth…


Or the booty shorts scene…


That I believe ultimately left Jack Black’s character wrestling with a gigantic purple thong.

Just thought that was worth mentioning also.