Cue the Duckboats | Championship Collection for Banner 18SHOP NOW


Man Injects Himself With His Own Semen To Get Rid Of Back Pain

An Irish man wound up with a serious skin infection after injecting himself with his own semen, according to a recent report of his unusual case.

The 33-year-old told doctors that he had been giving himself monthly semen injections to “cure” his long-standing back pain, the report said. Needless to say, semen does not cure back pain.

The man had most recently given himself three “doses” of semen, intravenously and intramuscularly. But the semen had pooled in the soft tissue of the man’s forearm, leading to a bacterial infection called cellulitis.

For anyone that’s suffered from a back injury, you know it’s the absolute worst. The only real cure is lying there immobile until the pain goes away. Shaq always made it look so damn easy to alleviate pain in those old Icy Hot commercials. Icy to dull the pain, hot to relax it away. For those of you who have laid there on the couch with the heating pad pressed up against you due to whatever mundane activity you attempted that shouldn’t be able to stop a species that’s landed on the moon, the guy who directly injected his own semen to cure his back pain might not seem so insane.

While the man had a history of chronic low back pain, a further examination revealed a red rash on his right upper arm – and the patient subsequently admitted he had been injecting himself with his own semen for a year and a half.

Until you realize he’s been injecting his own semen into his body with NO RESULTS for a year and a half. I’ve quit working out after a weeks of not seeing enough results, EVEN THOUGH I know there is proven science that says the results will come if I stick with it for a few months.

We are 17 Days into January. I’ve already given up on my New Years Resolutions. Meanwhile, this guy went A YEAR AND A HALF injecting batches of his own baby batter into his arm with absolutely no scientific evidence that this experiment would work.

Thanks to Hollywood celebrities, hippies, and dudes trying to convince their girlfriends to let them finish on their face – we all know that semen is good or your skin, but to think your high-fructose porn syrup is special enough to possess stem cell healing qualities is absurd.

Even if you’re too embarrassed to ask a medical professional in person if you should shoot up your own erectoplasm, a quick google search of “Does Semen Heal Injuries” renders ZERO positive results for injecting semen directly into your body.

The only Google search result that is remotely close to pro-injecting jizz into your body was some weird body builder on a message board that claimed jizzing on his own cut gave him Wolverine like healing qualities.

Screen Shot 2019-01-16 at 3.07.13 PM

Yes, PatridgeAlan … it does sound weird. It sounds really fucking weird. I’m glad you understand that, but went ahead with it anyway.

While a magic cure for back pain sounds wonderful, I’m going to have to listen to medical professionals and 99.9% of the internet when it comes to NOT injecting myself with jizz. Unless the portion of the internet telling me to do it is the Barstool Gold comment section, then I would. They are rich and must be smart.