8 Tips for Getting Big on Twitter

For the sake of this blog, I’ve been getting shit tons of DMs from people asking me for advice on how to gain a large following on Twitter. I think the cons outweigh the pros (none) of being “famous” on Twitter, but if you’re reading this then you probably don’t stand a chance on any other social network. Here’s my sincere advice.

1. Steal popular tweets

This one is the easiest and most obvious. It requires little to no skill and is proven to be effective. Losers like me will make fun of you in blogs and call you out on Twitter, but the majority of people won’t realize or care.

2. Steal popular tweet ideas/joke formats and alter them slightly. 

This is the ultimate loophole to blowing up on Twitter while maintaining your integrity. Plenty of semi-respectful people have done it. Some shitty famous comedians have done it. I’ve done it. Just find someone who’s funnier than you and reap the benefits of their original idea and creativity.

For example, you can change “candles” to something else zany like “Shrek-themed sex toys” or “Steve Harvey posters.” Then slightly change the wording of the punchline. If someone does call you out on it, you can just say some shit like “relax sis, it’s really not that serious” or “lmao chill I was just paying respects to the legend @dril.”

3. Take your face out of your profile pic

If you actually have goals of getting big on Twitter, then you almost definitely don’t look good enough for your real face to increase the chances of that happening. I experienced exponential growth on the site when I swapped a modern pic of myself for a gender ambiguous childhood pic that regularly gets mistaken for Millie Bobby Brown and Michael Cera. It adds an air of mystery to your tweets, and mystery = intriguing. Other people experience success with Japanese cartoons and shit like that. I’d personally suggest just going with a real-life person who’s cooler/hotter than you and just playing it off as an ironic bit.

4. Harass low-wage food service employees

This one might be controversial but it’s almost always successful.

This video has 1,000 likes and deserves, at most, zero. It’s a numbers game. If your video sucks enough ass, then 500+ people will quote it to insult you. That’s thousands and thousands of new eyeballs seeing you on their timeline and at least a percentage of them will be shitty enough to be like “this is good.” You’ll also get some irony RTs/favs/replies from people like me and my cyber boys.

5. Piss off a large and specific group of people

One of my go-to moves is making a specific group of people mad (vegans, roller derby athletes, Scandinavian teachers, Kansans, etc.) and then using their anger as my content. Requires almost zero effort from me. Over time, your followers will start bashing people and hitting them with the “joke over head” gif simply because they accidentally failed to detect satire. I call it “indirect bullying” and my moral code completely justifies it.

6. Die

Pretty self-explanatory. I think Avicii gained like a million followers after his death for some reason. The only speed bump with this one is that you aren’t an international superstar so most people won’t really care.

7. Be naturally funny 

This one isn’t a tip or piece of advice. Just one of the ways you could potentially blow up on Twitter if your DNA was completely different.

8. Cancel someone 

Cancel culture is at its absolute peak and the time to cancel is now. Searching a relatively popular or up-and-coming celebrity/athlete’s Twitter handle + a slur like “******” or “***” is the easiest way to do this.

That’s all I have for now. If you follow these tips correctly, one of your idols might end up paying homage to you for being a bigger Twitter Icon than him.