4th of July Collection | Now Available at the Barstool StoreSHOP HERE

Advertisement

A Man Was Rescued After Trying To Swim Across The Chicago River And It Wasn't WSD

(source)–Chicago police officers rescued a man who jumped into the Chicago River early Tuesday in the Loop. At 1:05 a.m., a security guard discovered the 29-year-old man in the water near Upper Wacker Drive and North  Dearborn Street, according to Chicago police. Police said the man was leaving a concert at the House of Blues, where he had been drinking, when he decided to try to swim across the river. Officers pulled out the 29-year-old, who was taken to Northwestern Memorial Hospital for treatment, police said. His plunge coincided with below-freezing temperatures in Chicago early Tuesday, with a weather advisory issued by the National Weather Service concerning areas of freezing precipitation, fog and icy surfaces.

Sad thing to see here. Some idiot around WSD’s age decided to go for a little dip in a frozen Chicago River. Not on as dare, not to stay true to his word. Just because he needed to get to the otherside. And because he was super drunk. Meanwhile, it’s been 18 months since WhiteSoxDave vowed to jump in the Chicago River. WSD, the guy who can throw 91*, the Mayor of Scoop City, 5-foot-nothing, 200-and nothing, the guy tells you he ran the Chicago Marathon every single day of his life…won’t pay his debts.

That was June 2017. WSD lost that bet. WSD still hasn’t been in the River. Shameful. You know who has been in the Chicago River…me.

Back in my mid-20s before I had a job where I could, you know, actually afford to live I worked a variety of part-time jobs. One of those jobs was essentially being a tour guide for an events company. We’d go to gun ranges, brewery tours, sledding, skiing, and we’d take buses every weekend to beautiful Michigan Wine countries so early 20s girls working their first job out of school could pretend they were in Napa with their besties and get absolutely hammered somewhere around New Buffalo. It was great. Easily my favorite job ever besides Barstool Sports. Get on the mic, crack a few jokes, tell people not to get too hammered for liability purposes, proceed to then get hammered with everyone on the way back to Chicago, flirt, rinse, repeat.

Anyways, one of our events was kayaking on the Chicago River. A sunset paddle in late summer. It was a delightful way to drink, see the city, and post pics on the gram. Also…a pretty good work out. I’d always try to go pretty fast. Show off those guns and core strength, not to brag. One of those nights an impromptu river karaoke broke out. Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” came on and I wasn’t going to just sit idly by. When that “OH OH OH” part came around I was ready with a little fist pump. Only problem…I was going to fast, dropped my paddle in the water abruptly on one side and which acted as brakes and capsized the kayak. There I was just bobbing in basically raw sewage in the Chicago River. No fucking bueno and no clear way to get back in the kayak. You can’t just crawl back into a kayak, or at least I couldn’t. One of the other guides had to tie my empty boat to his to stablize my kayak. Then the trick is to jump on the back, but you can pull anything because it’ll just capsize it again. I had to take my life jacket off and then sink as far down under the water in the river as I could then dolphin kick my way back up and create enough like…momentum(?) so I jumped out of the water and landed on the back of kayak instead of pulling myself up. The bottom of the river has something growing down there I don’t know what, but it does. Some combination of trash, diapers, dead bodies, used condoms, bacteria and seaweed. I was probably in the water for 6 total minutes but it felt like a lifetime.

Everyone always jokes that I must have grown a 6th toe or gotten cholera. Nothing like that happened. It wasn’t THAT bad. A temperary nightmare and fear of kayaks, but I’m fine. I never got sick, I’m just sterile now. bye.