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Nike Unveiled Its Power-Lacing Shoes Straight Out Of Back To The Future That Can Be Controlled With Your Phone

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Did Phil Knight do it again or did Phil Knight do it again? Granted, these shoes coming out 30(!!!) years after Back To The Future II came out as well as 3 years after Back To The Future II actually takes place is kind of a buzzkill. But as someone that loves those movies, gadgets, and relying on machines to do stuff I am too lazy to do, I welcome the Adapt BB with open arms. Now if you have shoelaces and *gasp* have to bend over to tie them yourself instead of using your phone, you are officially a small baller. That simple. To be honest, shoe laces probably had too long of a run anyway. Humans invented a great and easier alternative in velcro, but somewhere along the line that became strictly for kids and the olds. Nike noticed this and took the shoe game from black & white TV era to at least the HDTV era by throwing Eve from Wall-E in your shoe and having her loosen or tighten things up for $150 less than the ZO2s were.

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That being said, I’m not going to throw a parade for Knight (and his potential legion of underage workers) for a few reasons. Adding your shoes to the list of things you have to charge sucks. If your shoes’ power dies, do you just walk around with a shoe looser than the tissue boxes Kevin wore to Jim and Pam’s wedding? And when the inevitable war against the machines breaks out, the robots will be able to choke out all of our tootsies once they are able to access Nike’s mainframe. And as a basketball fan that only knows pain and heartbreak, I realize it’s only a matter of time before the next great Knicks has a season ending injury because of a glitch with his kicks. In fact, I wouldn’t trust any young and talented player on my team to wear these shoes. Who’s the guinea pig NBA that will be the first to wear these potential fire hazards on the court anyway?

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I’m flabbergasted. Allowing your young franchise player to wear something that could blow up or leak that weird battery acid goo on his feet or be hacked is a Knicks move, not a Celtics move. You don’t get an arena full of championship and retired numbers banners by doing wreckless shit like this. Red Auerbach is doing somersaults in his grave right now because of this. Nobody show this blog to Greenie, because that is an accident waiting to happen and could lead to a Gordon Hayward type of tragedy.

Lastly, I look forward to seeing what other types of power-lacing shoes Nike is cooking up, but I want to know when we are going to get a fucking hoverboard to market. We are less than a year from 2020 after all and we still have people calling those shitty little machines with wheels “hoverboard”. Figure it out humanity and get this shit built ASAP.