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Mailbag Blog #2 - All of Life's Question's Answered

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It’s Monday, which means it’s time for this week’s mailbag.  This is a weekly segment where I answer questions on love, life, and the pursuit of happiness.  Or something like that.  As long as it’s not White Sox related, I’ll answer any and all questions.

Like last week, I will present this disclaimer:  I am basically the dumbest person alive, so take every ounce of advice in this blog and you will succeed.

The mailbag is officially open for next week:  email me at wsd [at] barstoolsports [dot] com and I will get ya in.


Dave,Similar to Alshon Jeffery, what Chicago athlete that left their team, do you enjoy seeing fail/hate the most?Gale from Tinley

Hey Gale, great question to kick off this week’s mailbag.  I got some shit thrown at me by Philly fans last night for the sheer and utter joy I felt after Alshon dropped the pass that sealed the Saints win.  They all assumed it was because I was butthurt because they beat the Bears last week.  Well truth be told, it was only about 5% butthurt and 95% me and all of Chicago fucking hating Soft Tissue Alshon’s guts.  Here’s my list of former players I absolutely despise that at one time I rooted for:

3. Magglio Ordonez

I owned a Magglio Ordonez shirsey when I was younger.  When he signed with Detroit following the 2004 season I duct taped over his name and wrote “trader” in big, black ink on it.  I went to his first game against the Sox at the Cell in 2005 and a chorus of boos rained down upon him.  He talked shit about Ozzie and the organization upon his departure and nobody gets away with talking shit about Ozzie on my watch.  Fuck Maggs, fuck the Tigers, and fuck you.

2. Alshon Jeffrey

This one might be a bit of recency bias, but I truly hate Alshon Jeffrey.  I get that Soft Tissue Alshon was on shit teams while in Chicago.  That he had multiple offensive coordinators, a Canadian dude leading the team, etc. etc. etc.  But, like Maggs, shit talking Chicago on your way out the door is the fastest way to get on Chicago’s shit list.  And he is.  He’s flat out despised by Chicago and we couldn’t have enjoyed last night’s drop any more.  Fuck you, Soft Tissue Alshon.
1. Jeff Samardzija

Not sure I’ll ever hate a former White Sox player more than Shark, or as I like to call him “Minnow”.  Oh you’re a Region Rat and grew up a Sox fan?  You grew up loving Frank Thomas and Robin Ventura?  Okay well you also sucked ASS while you were here and bounced the moment you had the chance.  Such a fake ass tough guy.  I loved the pickup at the time, but hated it after his first shit start.  Dude stunk and was a phony on top of it.  FUCK you, Minnow.

Luke from Rogers Park mail route. My sister is back in town (works in South America) and now that she’s back I told her let’s go out and I’ll buy her a beef. She tells me no thanks I don’t really like Italian beef and don’t get why people do…. did I fail as a big brother was it something I did?
Luke From Rogers Park, thanks for the question.  My college roommate is from Rogers Park.I have one question: what in the fuck is wrong with your sister?  Is she insane?  I lived in Arizona for 6 weeks last winter and I couldn’t wait to get back to Chicago to down a pizza and beef.  I don’t know what else to say other than get rid of her.  You don’t need to associate with her anymore until she fixes her taste buds.   That’s fucked up.

my name is brian i went to mt carmel and did not play football against  you but may have played against carl.

i am gonna be running a marathon in january 2020 and have started training. can you discuss everything about the marathon experience?

what was your training/diet routine?
what was race day like?
how did you manage having to/not having to take a shit?
what was your playlist?

I’m gonna be doing a marathon training contest starting next week.  I’ll bullet point this out to make it easy

1. Training/routine?  – I would wake up at 5am every day starting in like May and run 6-7 miles before work.  Then twice a month on saturdays I’d run long distances.  Started with 10, worked my way up to 22 before the marathon.  I’d take Ashland to 35th street, 35th street east to the G Spot, run around the G spot and then back up Ashland back home.  Also took the Lake to Evanston one day.

2. Race day was awesome.  The entire city is out on the route cheering you on.  Def makes it easier.  I was super nervous though.

3. I pounded imodium the entire race.  Once I got to 13 miles I’d take a pill every 2-3 miles after that.

4. I had a 5 hour playlist that would pace me out.  Anything from classic rock to sublime to rap.  Once I got to mile 15 I’d run 1 mile, walk 1/4 a mile then gutted out the last 3 miles.  Not to brag

 Gun to your head, Who sits on the throne when Game of Thrones ends and why?Love,
Sox Mafia

Awesome question.  The GoT trailer came out last night and I got rock hard:

Here are the Vegas odds:

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I think the best odds are on Bran Stark at 7/2.  Daenerys and Jon Snow are too easy – I get that Jon Snow is the “son of fire and ice” or whatever, but those are too easy.  Never bet the scratch.  Clem had an awesome breakdown in this blog.  He breaks it down way, way better than I could.  Anyways Bran is the only character I can see not being a static one; we have so much to learn about him at this point and since he has the history of the world hard wired in his brain, I think he’s gonna use that to fuck everyone up.  Can’t wait for April.

 Chick from Chicago matched with me on the tindy. She was about 45 mins away and wanted to hook up but I told her it was too far for me to drive. She told me “I’ll pay you if you come”, so I went figuring I could use the $20 for gas, but she didn’t specify that it was for gas- just that it was for me to go fuck her. So did I prostitute myself???-Alex in NY

I’ve paid $50+ ubers to get laid.  I abide by the George Costanza rule: I might not ever get laid again, so mathematically I have no choice but to do what’s necessary.  It’s just part of the digital age we live in.  Yes, it did make me feel mildly dirty.  That said I’ve never been paid to get laid.  This kinda pisses me off because I’ve never thought about it until your email.

When are we getting a “Barstool at the Shoe” or something? Lots of Region stoolies that would come out. Love the podcast man, keep it up.

Love me some Region Rats.  We’re gonna do Chicago Casino reviews soon.  Basically we’re gonna go to all the casinos in the Chicagoland area, blow a bunch of money, and review their amenities.  I’m still working up the courage to ask Erika if we can expense the money we lose.  PS here are the cliffnotes of my Chicago casino rankings:

5. Grand Victoria, Elgin – worst casino I’ve ever been to

4. Rivers, Des Plaines – this place completely blows.  Mins are way too high and it’s always insanely crowded.  Fuck Rivers

3. Harras, Joliet – decent enough.  Ran into the guys from The Guess Who there one time when I was out side smoking a cigarette.  I said “hey you’re the guy from the Guess Who,”  and he said “yup,” and walked into the casino.  Pretty cool story.

2.  Hollywood Aurora – my home casino.  Many a dollar has been blown there by me.  It’s a family tradition where my dad and I go there every Thanksgiving and Christmas.  This past Christmas my brother dropped my dad and I off there, we each blew $650 and left before my brother even got back to my dad’s house, which is about a 20 minute drive.  Fun times.

1.  The Horsehoe, Hammond IN – LOVE the Shoe.  It’s a legit Vegas style casino, has fair mins, you can blow heaters in there if you so choose, and it’s only like a 30 minute uber from downtown.  One of my favorite pastimes is getting loaded at the Hangge Uppe and saying “alright who’s in for The Shoe?” at 3am.  The view of the skyline on the drive back from the skyway always makes the money you pissed away worth it.

Have you, or would you ever order the full Gator from Frontier? Would gator work on a beef? I think so.

I’ll hang up and listen.
Chris- Austin, TX/ Batavia

No but I’m trying to talk the Barstool Chicago office into doing this.  None of them want to drop $4-500 on a full alligator just for the story like me.  None of them have balls.  Pussies, the whole lot of em.

Hey guys, so my boyfriend isn’t from Chicago, but he’s a stoolie so I tend to mention Red Line and Dog Walk a lot. He has come to the conclusion that Chicagoans are essentially a big cult because we say things no one else does like beefs, bags (the game), like deep dish, and call Kris Bryant “KB”. What do you think? Btw he’s from a Syracuse but a Cleveland sports fan.- Krystal

Hey Krystal.  First off, sup?  Next – we kind of are a big cult I guess now that I think about it.  Chicago is the best major city in the country, that’s just a fact.  A lot of people who are from New York City hate New York City.  Just ask KFC.  Place completely blows.  LA sucks too, it’s all transplants and they don’t give a shit about sports.  Chicago is the best of all worlds.  Relatively clean, major beach, seasons, great sports, better food.  If that makes us a cult, call me Charles Manson.

WHY ARE IHOP’S BURGERS so damn small. – Luke S

Why in the fuck are you eating iHop burgers you goddamn psychopath?

Were Ross and Rachel REALLY on a break?

If you could be submerged in a tub with any kind of ice cream topping, what would you choose?
If you were to run for president, what would be your campaign slogan?
What is the coolest thing you have gotten into trouble for?
Would you rather chop of your arms and be able to keep your voice? Or chop of your arms and still be able to talk?
- Katie S

Another woman.  Nice to meet you Katie.  Sup?  Here’s your answers: 1. Friends sucks and I’ve never watched it #TeamSeinfeld4Lyfe 2. Chocolate sauce 3.  College is a scam 4. fake ID arrest in college 5. I’m not giving up any of my arms because my right one can throw 91MPH, are you into that kinda thing?

Okay that does it for this week’s mailbag.  Hope you enjoyed.  I did the best with the questions that were provided.  Once again, hit me up with any questions, just can’t be baseball related.  WSD [at] barstoolsports [dot] com.  Next week I want them to be really, really weird.