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Tom Cruise Signed A Billion Year Contract With Scientology

NY PostTom Cruise will save the world from aliens — not on the big screen but in real life. His day job as an actor pales next to the billion-year contract of service he signed with the Church of Scientology, according to a bombshell new book, “Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood & The Prison of Belief.” New Yorker writer Lawrence Wright details Cruise’s demigod status within the church, as well as the group’s ultimate purpose — protect humanity from aliens living in our bodies, who are bent on destroying us and ultimately the planet. It took several years for church leaders to realize that for all of their celebrity acolytes — including John Travolta, Priscilla Presley, Kirstie Alley, Kelly Preston and Sonny Bono — they had a true superstar at their disposal. Cruise would later come to believe that in the hierarchy of Scientology, he was No. 3, behind only the founder, the late L. Ron Hubbard (known as LRH) and No. 2 David Miscavige, who goes by COB, for Chairman of the Board of the Religious Technology Center.

J Christ who is Tom Cruise’s agent? A billion year deal??? Most teams aren’t willing to go past a 6th year. Maybe they offer a club option for a 7th. And here’s Scientology handing out a billion year contract to fucking Tom Cruise. Was anybody even bidding against them? Not like Christianity was offering a 250,000,000 million deal or something. We know those stingy Jews weren’t offering anything even in the 6 digit range. I can’t wait for the 900 millionth year of this contract when Tom Cruise is a washed up psychopath who can’t even fight the aliens inside his own body. Its gonna be like Arod striking out every at bat except instead of just the Yankees losing n the ALCS, extraterrestrials will probably end up eradicating the planet earth. I mean I realize Tom Cruise is their franchise player but its been proven these extra long term contracts are never worth it.

PS – Cue the commenters who go “Is Scientology really that crazy? Is it any more crazier than believing in some wizard in the sky with magical powers?” Yes, motherfuckers. Scientology really is that fucking crazy. Crazier than all the other religions combined.