My Name Is David Portnoy And I've Been Compromised

So I’ve been talking about this on radio and the rundown this week. Frankly I’m not even sure if I’m allowed to be talking about it or should be talking about it, but here is the thing. Dave Portnoy can’t keep his mouth shut about anything so here goes.

Monday morning our CFO walked into my office and asked if I made a large withdrawal from our business banking account. I’m talking a withdrawal well into the six figures. I called Renee to make sure nothing got screwed up on our end and then she asked if I took 20K out of our personal accounts on the same day. I obviously hadn’t so that’s when I knew Dave Portnoy had been compromised.

So since Monday I’ve had to fill out a police report at the NYPD, I’ve had all my accounts shut down and been in contact with the Secret Service who is working on the case. Here is what I know. There is a David Portnoy #2 on the loose. He is roughly a 5’9 African American male with well kept dreadlocks. He He goes by the name of David Portnoy.

Apparently in November my Rastafarian twin opened a bank account and rented an apartment in Pompano Beach Florida under my name. If you looked me up on Nexus Lexus it would have said I had an additional property that I knew nothing about. By the way I hear Pompano is nice this time of year. He then proceeded to get a real license with all my information in Vermont. I’m talking he had everything from my social security number to what I had for breakfast yesterday. He knew all my bank account information and exactly how much was in each account. In fact for a brief time he was able to wipe me out of existence. Like once he got approved for his Vermont license my actual Mass license became null and void. Dave Portnoy #1 ceased to exist. Dave Portnoy #2 became the real Dave Portnoy. (Shoutout to Diversity at Barstool. Female CEO and African American Head of Content)

Once he was able to get a real Vermont ID he went to a local branch and got a cashier’s checks saying he needed it for a down payment on a new house. The check was actually made out to Mohegan Sun. He used the initials so the bank didn’t know that’s what it was for according to them. Dave Portnoy #2 then traveled to Mohegan Sun and essentially washed the money at the casino. Along the way he stopped at two more banks and made 2 cash withdrawals from my personal account. The Secret Service has pictures of Dave Portnoy #2 both at all the banks and at the casino. I haven’t seen them yet. They currently are chasing him throughout the country like it’s Catch Me if You Can.

Long story short I’m captivated by Dave Portnoy #2. I’d pay him 100K cash just for him to tell me how he did it. When did he compromise me? Why me? Is he looking at me right now through my computer as I write this blog? Is there somebody on the inside at the bank that helped him? Like how did he know he could go into three banks in the Northeast where my face is fairly recognizable and know that nobody would be like “Umm you’re not Dave Portnoy” The entire thing is fascinating to me and frankly I’m kind of flattered that I got compromised. I feel like average Joe Schmoe’s don’t get compromised. You gotta be a somebody to have your identity stolen. To quote Reggie Jackson “Fans Don’t Boo Nobodies.” Well I also think it’s fair to say “White Collar Criminals don’t compromise nobodies” either. I know I shouldn’t be happy I got compromised, but let’s just say I’m not mad about it either. Little boost to the ego never hurt anybody.