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Does This Look Like The Face Of A Dude Arrested For Stealing A "Super Sucker" From Spencer's Gifts

TSG – Today’s deeply embarrassing arrest comes from a Spencer’s store in Florida, where a 19-year-old was collared for trying to steal a $16.99 “super sucker” sex toy. Alexander Marcelino Perez was charged yesterday with misdemeanor theft after he allegedly went to the Bradenton gift store and asked for a job application. While inside the business, Perez took the “adult pleasure device” from its packaging and placed it in his pants pocket, according to a sheriff’s report. Perez, pictured in the above mug shot, was detained after a loss prevention officer watched as he tried to leave Spencer’s. Perez is being held in the Manatee County jail in lieu of $120 bond. The “Super Sucker,” seen at left, is manufactured by the Doc Johnson sex toy company, which describes the device as “the masturbator with a real-mouth sensation!” The firm adds, “Our Super Sucker is ideal for guys that need extra stimulation to satisfy their cravings.”

First of all, stealing from Spencer’s Gifts is not a crime. Thats what Spencer’s Gifts is there for. I don’t think they even put price tags on their shit because they realize they exist solely for teenagers to steal from them. You can’t cater to the broke, angsty potheads of the world and not expect to have virtually all of your shit stolen. I’d steal a Super Sucker blow job device right fucking now and I’m a grown man. Not because I can’t afford it – just because its Spencer’s and you’re obligated to steal from them.

More importantly though, I’m pretty sure I learned more about sex from Spencer Gifts than I did anywhere else combined. Sex education, R rated movies, whatever. All of that shit paled in comparison to one loop around a Spencer Gifts. Spencer Gifts was like “Come for the clever graphic T’s, stay for the edible underwear.” I’d break off from my mom at the mall as a boy and I’d meet her back at the food court as a man. Went to Spencer’s to buy a black light poster, a hackey sack and a Tuxedo t shirt and came back with anal lube, a cock ring, some sexual party games. And the best part is you have no idea looking from the outside. Just looks like Halloween costumes and toys and shit. Little do parents know its a goddam sex den inside there. I swear if it wasn’t for Spencer’s Gifts, Silk Stalkings and La Femme Nikita, I still wouldn’t know that you’re supposed to put the dick inside the vagina. I wonder if secretly my parents did know what goes on inside Spencer’s and they let me go in there so I wouldn’t turn out gay.

PS – Hot Topic was like the Gothic, tortured soul version of Spencer’s. All the normal kids were at Spencer’s buying inflatable dicks and shit and kids at Hot Topic were buying razor blades to slit their wrists.