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Things Chicago Needs More Than Elon Musk's Tunnel To O'Hare Airport

CHICAGOThe O’Hare-to-Downtown high-speed rail project — led by billionaire tech entrepreneur Elon Musk’s The Boring Company — is moving forward as it winds its way through the review phase.

The Illinois Department of Transportation recently sent a letter to local preservation groups, including Logan Square Preservation, inviting them to participate in an upcoming “Section 106 Consulting Party,” referring to section 106 of the National Historic Preservation Act.

The rail, called the Chicago Express Loop, would run in underground tunnels between O’Hare Airport and Block 37 in The Loop. Its passenger cars — called “skates” — would take an estimated 12 minutes to travel between the locations, according to the Boring Company’s website. The Boring Company has said the project will be completely privately funded.

The skates would travel 125-150 mph, hold eight to 16 passengers and offer WiFi, space for luggage and a climate-controlled cabin, according to the Boring Company. The skates would travel between the Loop and O’Hare Airport 20 hours of the day, seven days a week.

So I guess this is actually still moving forward. An express underground electric “skate” car getting you from the loop to O’Hare in 12 minutes for 25 bucks. I like sweet things and even though I generally don’t like Elon Musk I will admit that this thing looks pretty sweet. Here’s the problem though…it’s already super easy to get to O’Hare. It’s like…right there. The Blue Line from Clark and Lake takes like 40 mins and it’s practically free. Uber from Barstool Chicago satellite office is $30 and only takes 30 minutes or so. The benefit of an uber…you don’t have to see other people. Who wouldn’t pay an extra 5 bucks to not have to look at, smell, or talk to another person on your way to the airport. There’s a LONG list of things this city needs before a tunnel to ORD.

1) A New Kicker


boom roasted.

2) Legalized Sports Gambling In The City

The City is in like 40 BILLION dollars worth of debt. If I’m paying juice on bets I’d be fine with giving it to my local municipality than to my bookie. Fuck that guy. Trade my debt for City debt. Seems like a win-win. Also, Portnoy promised to buy us Maywood Race Track if gambling gets legalized and we get a gaming license, which shouldn’t be hard.

3) Term Limits For Politicians

Ed Burke 1

Alderman Ed Burke circa idk…1970? Transitioning to modern day:

Ed Burke 2

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since I began covering Chicago full-time for Barstool is that the city is fucking corrupt and these guys are allowed to just stay in public office here in Chicago indefinitely. Long enough for Ed Burke to transform into a real life version of the Penguin from Batman

ed burke penguin

Carl and Eddie have done a good job of explaining how fucked things are this week. Pretty sure this would be an easy fix.

4) A Reason To Care About The White Sox


I really just want WSD to get a W and to subsequently shut the fuck up.

5) Better Public Transit, But Not One To ORD

The ONLY reason I wanted the Olympics to come here in 2016 when Chicago was a finalist was so we could get an upgrade to the CTA. The City was going to build some sweet ass monorail. Clean, quiet, efficient transportation all over this world class city. It would’ve been great.  Now you can’t even easily get to the United Center on the train. It’s pathetic. I don’t want to walk like 3-4 blocks in the winter. We don’t need some super speed high state of the art under ground battery powered high-way. We need a CTA stop that allows me to get to the stadium without frost bite and wind burn walking up Madison in January

6) Playoff Hockey

Summer are better when the Hawks are good. That’s a fact. Nothing like that big game feelings when you’re sitting outside somewhere in Fulton Market to get a buzz on before walking over to the Stadium.

7) Better PR About Our Pizza

Image result for deep dish pizza gif

We don’t eat this pizza that much. Yeah, the Barstool Chicago Office had it delivered today from Lou’s but that’s beside the point. The point is that we like our thin crust 99% of the time. It’s just nice a couple of times per year. A change of pace when you don’t want to shit for 48 hours, which can come in handy. People think we have cheese in our arteries. We probably do, but it’s not from eating this every weekend.

I’m sure there’s a long list of complaints of things that need to get fixed. We need to prioritize. If Elon wants to have this privately funded skate system toy project, then knock yourself out man. I just think the idea is stupid. It’s like buying a Bentley but living in a trailer. Doesn’t make any sense. Tell Elon to fix our other problems first, of which there are many.