I Need Help Buying A Parrot And Building A Replica United Center Scoreboard Clock

Screen Shot 2019-01-10 at 3.30.46 PMThis is a story about a couple guys who wanted to get a Parrot and are now looking to commission a replica of the United Center scoreboard. 

Alright so a few months ago we (me, Dave, Chief and Eddie) rented a studio space on the near west side of Chicago to record Red Line Radio. It’s not exactly the Taj Majal. That was September and the point was to have some shitty place we could leave our equipment and dip cups. Nothing long-term. But then, when we had the opportunity to restart Barstool Chicago 1/1 this year, we just said fuck it we’ll work out of the 150 square foot studio. I’m sure some of you have seen it on Dave and Chief’s social media:

Anyways, the office is fine and really starting to grow on us. It’s like a frat house library except a little nicer because we’re in our 30’s and have some baseline experience of cleaning up after ourselves. The building naturally smells of damp clothes. We put some air fresheners in the walls. Dave stole a tv from his Dad’s basement that would have cost us $30 on Amazon but Dave wanted to piss his dad off so we have that one instead. We got wireless and a Roku and an exposed brick wall. And just recently we received cases and cases of Vodka from New Amsterdam. Overall it’s not a bad spot for a couple of meathead meatballs to do content.

Rewind to last week. Eddie and I are out for a walk around the office, getting the lay of the land and we come across a Parrot shop. Not a bird shop. Not a pet shop. A Parrot shop. A place that specializes in Parrots.

Obviously, we were intrigued. Eddie and I are local to the core and in our combined 60 years’ experience we had never seen a Parrot shop in Chicago much less anywhere else. We were in disbelief. We went in.

Now I’ll admit I have limited exposure to birds and less to Parrots. One time I sat next to a guy at a networking lunch who owned a bunch of them. Maccaws and Amazons and Yellow Tails and all this shit. He invited me to his house in Arlington Heights to visit. Told me to bring my wife and everything. I never took him up on it but frequently think about him wearing my skin and feeding his birds my flesh. He was a fucked up guy and that was a fucked up networking lunch but I digress. Bird people are weird. See: Marty Mush.

So Eddie and I walk in with no clear intention other than browsing. Figure we treat it like we’re browsing an open house in Lincoln Park. No eye contact. No questions. Act like you’ve been there before.

We’re immediately met by a bird guy. He’s seasoned and smells like exotic feathers.  The conversation was much faster paced than I imagined. You guys here for supplies or training materials? Uh no sir just came to see if you had any Parrots for sale. Sure do but there’s a bit of a process involved – do you own any Parrots? 

Yes. Yes I do.

Eddie looked at me like I was fucking bananas. And at this point I’d like to inject that I completely lost control of the conversation. I got insecure around the bird guy on his turf and locked up. I admitted to owning several birds throughout my life but recently getting interested in Parrots after – you guessed it – a chance encounter at a networking lunch. I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. Each sentence more full of shit than the last. The bird guy LOVED me. Our conversation, generally:

I got a couple Amazons coming in next week. 

You don’t say.

Normally I’d split them up but you seem like you can handle the pair. 

Oh definitely.

Great then come back next week. I’ll give you a ring. 

*leaves number*

And when you come back we can talk more about price and payment. We can do cash preferred but if you want I’ve got some lease to own options.

*briefly review ownership options*

Lease. To. Own. Parrots. Folks this is my kind of life. I’m here to live it. I’m all gas no brakes and trying to get the office space a little tropical dynamic to enhance our creativity. So naturally I reach out to my bosses Erika & Dave this morning to see what we have in the budget for office parrots. I’m expecting a call from the bird guy any day and I need to be in a position to move quickly.


Erika / Dave

Saw that we got set up for expense reimbursement in the system yesterday. Wanted to run a couple things by you guys first before we actually do anything with it.

Office Parrot – our office is a couple blocks from a place called No Free Ads. They sell exotic-bird supplies including nesting materials, bedding, food, etc. Eddie and I talked to a clerk there who has lease-to-own options on a couple birds. There’s 2 Amazons that stand out starting at $600 each. The lease-to-own is one year of $20/mo then one final payment of $400 in 12 months or we can return it. Don’t plan on returning it but nice to have that protection.

But then as I was writing this email I remembered classic negotiation tactic 101: if your first offer doesn’t make someone get up and leave the room, you’re not negotiating, you’re getting fucked. I figure I’m already pitching Parrots I might as well ask for some big ticket items me and the guys have flagged the last couple months. Worse case I can always walk it back.

Scoreboard Clock – ideally this would be a replica of the United Center scoreboard. My buddy’s dad helped hang it in the early 90’s. Anyways, we could keep track of blogs and tweets like points and personal fouls. Then have TV’s in it and shit. My buddy can start working on something over the weekend at a fair price. My guess is a few hundred bucks but would have to be cash only.

Squat Rack (w/ free weights) – white sox dave asked me to include this

Stalker MLB Radar Gun - This is the Real McCoy of baseball radar guns and used by a lot of pro scouts. It’s $1200 new which is a lot for a radar gun so let’s talk return on investment: we want to set up a speed pitch business where people can come in off the street, gas it up for a few minutes and then get back to their day. Long-term partnership with a few local orthopedic surgeons and next thing you know we can get a piece of the healthcare pie. This is bigger picture.

Standing Desks - this one is kind of a no brainer. My cousin runs the warehouse at an Office Depot and has a couple busted models we can fix up ourselves. That too would be cash only.

Let me know if any of these are hard no’s. Obviously open to feedback.

Approximately 10 minutes after sending this email I get a call from Erika. Hey Carl get the Parrots. Do the scoreboard. Look for a used radar gun first and then maybe find a better place for the squat rack. Whatever you need to make content just do it. Uhhhhhhhhh okay.

Then while I’m on the phone with Erika I get an email from Dave – fine with all of them, he says.

Get the Parrot. Fine with all of them. Approved in 10 minutes.

So. What started with me and Eddie going for a nice stroll around the office is now moving to the next phase: Office Parrot(s) and commissioning a replica United Center scoreboard clock that tracks our blogging and social media productivity. I have no idea where this goes but I can promise one thing: I will keep you apprised of how this goes down. Bird handlers, don’t be bashful. I might need some help