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Beat it, kid.

Read this headline yesterday (it was in the NY Post also, but I prefer, and when I saw “Fairfield”, I hoped to God it was Fairfield University because I have a couple of friends who went there…  Go Stags!

Unfortunately, it is actually a small town in Ohio where a 41-year-old substitute teacher, Tracy Abraham (girl’s name), allegedly beat off behind a desk in a classroom filled with middle schoolers (ages usually run from 10-14 in middle school, I believe).

While authorities hammer out the details of the incident, the accused has been put on administrative leave and prohibited from all locations where children under 18 are present as well as Catholic rectories…  Just to be safe.

I covered a story like this once before in these pages.  I believe a young man got high on meth and then stripped naked, doused himself with holy water from the baptismal font in the center of some church in rural North Dakota (as opposed to metropolitan North Dakota), and then proceeded to beat off in front of a group of preschool kids.

And, as was the case with the Dakota man, I wonder what this gent’s origin story was.

How did he get himself to a point where he could (allegedly) masturbate in front of a group of teenage kids?

I am raising a couple of kids that are the age of Tracy’s audience, and I can tell you confidently, kids that age can be awfully critical.  They’re more-often-than-not a group of wannabe adults who have been nowhere and who have done nothing but know EVERYTHING because they read it on their phones.

I imagine these middle school-aged kids would have a fucking field day on a guy who looks like this…


So to look like a human potato, and still manage to drop your pants and successfully have a self-serve in front of these little critics is not something that just happens.  It probably takes years to get to the point where a load is remotely possible.

Maybe he started small…  Beat off in a sock and left it in his neighbor’s mailbox.

Then perhaps he gradually worked his way up to pummeling himself in front of a room full of marionettes, before mustering up the courage to head out to the local middle school and make “The Big Leagues”.

However he got there, he allegedly got there…  And if he is found guilty, I hope he finds his way into the cell between Cosby and Jared from Subway because if my daughter was in that classroom, there would be some vigilante justice doled out if he doesn’t get the book thrown at him.


Taking a slightly different direction… I just watched the classroom cell phone footage of this guy allegedly going for the gold, and I am not sure I’m convinced he was beating off at all.  As a fellow fat guy, I know we are prone to rashes “down there” in certain nooks and crannies, so this can all just be a misinterpretation of an “aggressive groin scratch”.

I’ll follow up as the investigation continues.

Godspeed, Tracy (girl’s name), and take a report.