Chick-Fil-A Is Faking Being Religious To Sell Chicken

IMG_4160Everyone knows that Chick-fil-A is closed on Sundays. It’s one of those universal, consistent truths. The W train will never run on time and Chick-fil-A is always going to be closed on Sunday. To this point we’ve basically accepted religion as the sole reason. We’ve had no reason to question it. People do all kinds of batshit things in the name of religion. The owner is super religious and not really in a good way. The cashiers at the restaurant are forced to say “my pleasure” and “have a blessed day” and generally treat you better than your family members do. The “holier-than-thou” general air of the place lulls us into a false sense of security: Chick-fil-A believes in God, it is there for the betterment of mankind, it’s a company that has a conscience (if perhaps its controversial owner does not).

But I have a different take.

I think Chick-fil-A is actually a greedy capitalist hell and is using Christianity to sell chicken. Let’s break this down. What’s one of the most basic principles of economics? Supply and demand. What does Chick-fil-A do? It closes its doors on Sundays. Every single Sunday I wake up and I think to myself gosh, you know what sounds fucking delightful right now? Chick-fil-A. Except, oh wait, it’s closed on Sundays! So there I am, hungover, lying in bed, and I am craving a chicken sandwich. Can’t stop thinking about it. My mouth is watering. I go on seamless and I try to find a fried chicken sandwich that’s comparable so I can end my craving, but truthfully, nothing compares. So what do I do? I make sure I get Chick-fil-A at some point during the week.

I mean, that’s supply and demand 101, right? There’s less supply (because it’s closed on Sundays) and so it creates higher demand. They can say they keep it closed because Sunday is the Lord’s day, but frankly it’s just smart business practice. It also panders to the Christian majority in America and makes them think they have a duty to support a business that believes in God. There are those who might say that being overtly religious as a brand in 2019 is controversial, but let’s be real: running on a platform of christianity in America is as safe as having sex with a condom, birth control, vasectomy, and hysterectomy all at once.

The bottom line is, Chick-fil-A is using God to sell chicken. It’s a fucked up, immoral move that is taking advantage of innocent people everywhere. They need to stop acting like they’re better than everyone else and admit they’re just as deep in the mud as everyone else is. In fact, they’re dirtier because they’re acting like they’re clean. And if they don’t start opening their doors on Sundays I’m just going to have to take that as a clear admonition of guilt.