Does This Look Like The Face Of Chicago's Most Feared Vigilante

Jimmy Kimmel Show Green Room At The Super Bowl - Day 4This is a story about a man who came at The King and lost.

You may have heard. You have not. But Chicago Alderman Ed Burke was recently charged in federal court with attempted extortion, which as you can imagine is a pretty big fucking deal. Get a good look at this alleged asshole:

Screen Shot 2019-01-04 at 8.10.56 AMIf you were casting a movie, and one of the roles was slimey looking Chicago piece of shit politician, it would be hard to turn down Ed Burke. Pin stripe suit. Pinky ring. Blue shirt with a WHITE COLLAR. Onyx cuff links. Fake gold watch *rolls eyes*. It’s all here. And I haven’t even sniffed any of the facts. This is knee jerk speculation that’s completely unconfirmed. I could be totally wrong. Ed Burke could be a good guy and if my grandma had balls she’d be my grandpa.

Note: the risk of me getting murdered just went up 10,000% so if someone wants to help me with a preemptive restraining order I’m @barstoolcarl

Anyways, Ed Burke represents the 14th Ward. And for non Chicagoans, the city is made up of 50 wards that serve as the legislative body. If I write anymore about the political infrastructure I’m going to vomit. So just think of this guy as an old senator or something. He’s been in office since 1969 and if you’re still with me, he’s been widely alleged to have participated in some goddamn AWFUL things in that time. He’s stayed clean over the years, but anyone with any common sense must casually wonder, how does a small time lawyer in public office accumulate millions upon millions upon millions of dollars? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Anyways, Old Uncle Ed Burke here got busted by the Feds on a wire-tap trying to push around a Burger King in his ward. The owners were trying to do some renovations. They went to their Alderman because it’s part of the game. Got to go kiss that pinky ring on Old Uncle Ed’s fat fucking pinky. Bend the knee. All that shit.

Welp, turns out the Feds had a wire tap on his phone. And turns out that’s bad news for Uncle Ed because ALLEGEDLY his attempts to extort The King were being recorded. Now, I’m not a federal prosecutor but I did drop out of law school twice and I can tell you that’s extremely against the law. You can’t extort people and certainly not Kings.

But this isn’t just any King. This is the King of Chicago Vigilantism* and he lives at the Burger King at 40th & Pulaski, which just so happens to be the same BK that was heavily involved in the LaQuan McDonald shooting. If you recall, 86 minutes of surveillance footage magically disappeared that evening from BK cameras. That was until the King got involved and it was recovered. Unless you’ve been living under a rock in Chicago for the last 3 years or are White Sox Dave, you know how that played out.

Screen Shot 2019-01-04 at 10.13.04 AMServing Flame Broiled Justice since 1953

Hopefully this is a lesson learned for all of Chicago. Not saying don’t be dirty. Just saying stay the fuck away from 4060 S. Pulaski in the process. This turf belongs to The King.

*No one can pronounce this word correctly