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16-Year-Old Liar Graduates From "Harvard" And High School At The Same Time

The Harvard EXTENSION SCHOOL? I’ve got news for you, kid: that’s not Harvard. That’s summer school. That’d be like saying you played in the majors because you took a couple swings in your coed softball league. You’re making a false equivalence for the sake of a couple Skype appearances on morning talk shows. And the sad thing, Braxton, is that it won’t even get you laid. Why? Because your haircut is the worst of all. It is the worst. of. all. haircuts. Dude looks like a stable boy in a fairy tale. He doesn’t belong on TV; he belongs on a sidewalk, unstrapped from his tuba, two miles behind the rest of the band, his face redder than Kansas, struggling to pull his epi pen out of his fanny pack as a swarm of bees spills out of the nest he sat on.

I understand that “16-year-old graduates from high school and Harvard at the same time” is a catchy headline. But it’s also stolen valor. The Harvard extension school was like the trailers I sometimes saw in the back of overcrowded public high schools, for kids who “needed a little extra guidance.” Our extension school was used by dumb athletes as a way of boosting their GPA. These guys would stick around campus in the summer, lifting weights at Palmer Dixon in the morning and taking joke classes in the afternoon for a couple A minuses to balance out the C’s they earned during real school. Not a bad way to spend a month or so in the summer, I guess. I didn’t need it because my grades were good.

But the extension school also had a bunch of kids that had no affiliation with the undergraduate school. These were adults who had never gone to college and wanted to check that box somehow. I guess I admire these people. Good for them blah blah blah.

But some 16-year-old pimple popper from Kansas? Buddy, you can doggypaddle in the adult pool if you want, but don’t say you swam in the Olympics. Fuck outta here with this JV bullshit. And good luck going to Harvard law school haha. They rejected me and I went to the real Harvard.