I Swear To God Half The Coachella Lineup Is Made Up People

I’m not going to pretend I’m “cool” or “hip.” There was a time in my life when I spent every free hour I had on music sites and was downloading all the new shit and would amaze people with my musical knowledge, but that time of my life is over and my listening habits have been shrunk to “I listen to like the first few songs on New Music Friday and that’s it.” Still tho, I can usually at least recognize the names of the first few lines of artists at music festivals just because I’m an alive person with social media.

Guess what? Not anymore! Now I kinda know the headlining artist but tbh even Tame Impala I couldn’t tell you if they’re a man, woman, or group. The second line I know maybe a few artists and the third line I swear to god they’re just making up names. Like I’m honestly pretty sure it’s a Kimmel thing and they’re just trying to see who pretends to be excited for Gessaflstein and Soccer Mommy and Rico Nasty and Men I Trust and Rat Boy and Ross From Friends and Razor Bumps and Let’s Eat Grandma. I mean come the FUCK on. Look at those names I just typed! You’re trying to tell me those are actual bands? Those names were absolutely created in a lab dedicated to making up names of bands that sound like they would play at a music fest.

But, I guess they’re real or at least that’s what people are telling me. So, what they’re really telling me is I’m not cool anymore and the music world has passed me by. But I knew that already so the joke’s on them.