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'Pete The Groin Crusher' is a Goddamn American Hero Who Has Crushed Over 10,000 Patients' Groins In His Life

Meet Pete Schiavo, a hemostasis tech at Pennsylvania Hospital who manually applies pressure to the femoral artery in patients’ groins, or the radial artery in patients’ wrists, after heart procedures to aid in clotting.

Nobody ever warns the patients at Pennsylvania Hospital about Pete Schiavo, “The Groin Crusher.” The first time most people meet Schiavo, they’ve just come out of a coronary procedure and he’s explaining that after the catheters are pulled out of their femoral artery, he’s going to apply pressure to their groin for 20 to 40 minutes to aid in clotting.

Or it would be, if it was anyone else but Schiavo, a gregarious, emotional, wisecracking guy who is all South Philly, even if he lives over the bridge in Jersey now.

Throughout the course of time there have been some great nicknames: A-Rod, Megatron, Black Mamba, etc. (ABSOLUTELY NOT THE ROCKET). I don’t think there will ever be one greater than “Pete the Groin Crusher” however. You may think this blog is not blog worthy, but the quotes from his patients in the article make it all worth it. For some reason I read this opening line in the dramatic movie trailer guy’s voice.

Nobody ever warns the patients at Pennsylvania Hospital about Pete Schiavo, “The Groin Crusher.”

Pete is a hemostasis tech at Pennsylvania Hospital. I won’t pretend to know what that means, but from quick research (reading the article) it looks like he directly assists in stopping blood clotting following heart procedures. How does he do it? His magic hands which he uses to crush patients’ groins. According to the article, he gets stopped on the streets with people asking to buy him dinner. He’s a living legend.

Patients and their families don’t forget the way Schiavo touches them — physically and emotionally. He’s won awards, had money donated in his name, and gets stopped all the time by former patients who want to buy him drinks or dinner.

Pete says once he touches you, you’ll never forget how your groin felt. It’s that memorable of a life event, folks.

“I’m holding someone’s groin for 20 minutes, they tend to remember me and nobody else,” Schiavo said. “I tell them: ‘I can promise you two things when I’m done: You’ll never forget my name or my face.’ And they never do.”

An older woman pretty much thought he was God.

“What you’re doing is really crazy!” Walters said to Schiavo. “You put your whole heart and soul and your whole body into this. You have a gift and talent that’s unique.”

He was just honored to be presented with her groin.

“I couldn’t have been more privileged to hold your groin,” he said.

Pete believes he’s crushed well over 10,000 groins in his career. I’m no expert, but that seems impressive. He of course prefers the three finger method as opposed to a full hand to avoid fatigue.

He’s learned that a three-finger method works best because if you use your whole hand “you’ll fatigue out in minutes,” he said.

I bet his wife prefers a certain three finger technique hey oh! You think during sex she calls him the groin crusher? I mean, I would hope. That would fire me up, personally. Fucking Pete. What a legend. You thought All Business Pete was a nickname? Well he doesn’t sniff Pete The Groin Crusher. This guy needs to be in the WWE. He needs his own TV show.

I believe I just set the Barstool record for typing the word “groin” in a Barstool blog.