Would You Rather Do 3 Months In Hardcore Prison Or 9 Years In White Collar Prison?

KFC1/02/2013 4:30 PM

So this was a debate that was raging amongst my friends over the holiday break after we all watched Shawshank. 3 months in Federal Pound Me In The Ass Prison vs. 9 years in Bernie Madoff Prison Camp. My crew was pretty split down the middle and I was fucking appalled. I’ve never been able to answer a question faster than I answered this. Hands down I’m doing 9 years in white collar after-school-detention before I spend one second in G Pop at fucking Rikers Island or something. Like absolute no brainer, no hesitation. I would do an eternity in white collar prison before I did 1 day in hardcore prison. Primarily because my life is basically like white collar prison right now. I’m stuck indoors like 99% of the day. Spend all my time at my desk with one window to stare out of while I read and write. I have sex on a pretty infrequent basis, nothing a couple conjugal visits couldn’t replicate. More or less white collar prison would be almost identical to my life except I wouldn’t have to pay rent.

Meanwhile, 3 months in hardcore prison is just signing up for 3 months of getting beaten and fucked. Just signing away your butthole’s safety. More or less this question should really be phrased as “would you get fucked in the ass to stay out of prison for 8 years and 9 months.” And there’s absolutely no chance I’m signing up for that. Because I got news for anyone who’s opting with the 3 months – getting forcibly fucked in the ass is a life sentence. There’s no coming back from that. You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube and you can’t live a normal life after being beaten and raped for 3 straight months. Plus right now I’m almost 28. What the fuck am I gonna do between the years of 28 and 37 thats so important? That might be the most miserable 9 year stretch of human life. All I’d do is get married and have kids. Thats probably worse than the 3 months of prison rape. So the way I see it, I do 9 years of basically boot camp and avoid A) becoming some big black man’s bitch and B) flushing my life down the toilet by starting a family. Thats a win-win if you ask me.

Anyway, time to vote. Are you straight and sane or gay and dumb? Vote 1 for 9 years in white collar prison, Vote 10 for 3 months in hardcore prison.