I Finally Got An Amazon Prime Account (Nbd) And Boy Is It Problematic In The Best And Worst Ways

So I’ve been living under a rock for the last decade and have used Amazon maybe 3 times. I bought a text book off of it in college in 2010, and I remember buying something a few years ago but I can’t remember what it was. And then last month I bought a blender. And that’s it. In the last couple of months, I’ve had Trent buy me a couple things off Amazon using his account and I’ve just Venmo’d him for them. So in my entire adult life, I’ve bought a grand total of 5 items from Amazon. When people hear this, they are surprised, and my general response is “Idk, I guess I don’t really need anything”. Well that all changed over Christmas break.

Over Christmas break I decided I wanted to buy some Quest Bars because obviously it’s time to get super healthy for a couple months before falling back into gluttony and obesity. So I went over to Amazon and decided hey, you know what, it’s time to do what 100 million other people have done and joined this Amazon Prime. I mean it’s 100 bucks a year and I’ve wasted money on so much worse, seems like a good deal. Free shipping is pretty sweet, and now I can buy things right when I want or need them, what could possibly go wrong?

And that’s where my problems began. Buying things when you want and or need them is way easier said than done.

I ran headfirst into that problem when I started looking for a coffee maker to buy. At first I thought I wanted just a general, easy to use Mr. Coffee

But if that’s 25 bucks and 4 out of 5 stars, what about this one right next to it?

Classic and rich brews?! 60 oz water resevoir?! THERMAL FLAVOR EXTRATION CE201?!?!?! I don’t know what that means, but it’s provocative. It gets the people going. And it’s 4.6 stars! Like, why would I settle for a 4/5 star Mr. Coffee when I can get thermal flavor extraction for only 55 more dollars? That’s like 1 hand of poker.

And then there are Nespressos, Nespresso/coffee maker hybrids. Coffee machines that look like they were built in the year 3000. At first I thought I wanted basic white, cotton, underpants. But then I started scrolling and scrolling and was like maybe I need some silk panties, maybe a thong. Maybe something really cool that I don’t even know about. It’s all very overwhelming. The number of choices available is just too much.

I did the exact same thing with god damn Brita water filters. I read reviews for water filter pitchers for no joke over an hour. Reading the difference between 4.2/5 and 4.3/5 star reviewed water purification pitchers that I won’t even use after 2 months. Needless to say, I didn’t buy a coffee maker or a water filter. I get overwhelmed with the options and went back to watching The Office.

And then here’s the other situation with Amazon Prime- if you know what you want, oh man, it’s SO EASY to buy something. I mean what is this sorcery?

Skip the entire process of putting something in your cart and giving yourself the option to make a better, more rational decision? Holy moly that’s dangerous. If I get a few cocktails in me, lord knows what I’ll wake up with on my front stoop in 2 business days. I’ve heard stories of people going HAM on Amazon while under the influence, and now I get why. That 1-click button just stares at you, mocking you, daring you to hit it. It’s watching over you like the Hormone Monster from Big Mouth. So you start clicking away on it, and next thing you know you have the complete DVD series of Breaking Bad and you don’t even have a DVD player.

So shout out to me for joining the rest of the world in Amazon Prime-world. I’d like to think I’ll only use it for good and for necessary purchases, but I know that certainly is not going to happen. I’ll use it for things I need like new pairs of socks and birthday presents, and I’ll use it at 2am for things I think I need exactly in that moment and be confused as hell when a shower radio shows up on Monday. And that is why Amazon is a trillion dollar company. God damn.