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Yeah This Fat Baby Born In Texas Is Fatter Than I Was But I Don't Care

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Us Weekly- Jennifer and Eric Medlock knew they were expecting a big baby. But the couple got the surprise of their life when Jennifer gave birth to a 14–pound, 13–ounce son named Ali James Medlock on December 12. Twice the size of an average newborn, Ali is the largest child ever delivered at Texas Health Arlington Memorial Hospital in Arlington, Texas. “We did not expect 14 pounds,” Jennifer told USA Today Opens a New Window. on Friday, December 28. “Nobody did.” Ali, who arrived via C-section, spent one week in the neonatal intensive care unit due to low blood sugar, low platelet counts and rapid breathing, per local news station KTVT. Opens a New Window. “It doesn’t matter how big he is,” Jennifer said while speaking with KTVT. “I’m so blessed.”

So this happened over holiday break and I couldn’t go an hour without people tagging me in a tweet about it. I was trying to sit back, relax and tend to my fields in Iowa and all I saw in my mentions was, “Ohhhhhhh this kid has you beat! Give up the crown!” all day every day. It was a constant barrage of tweets about how my reign as most famous fat baby was over.

I want everybody to know I don’t care that this fat baby in Texas weighed more than me when I was born. The fact of the matter is that being a fat baby is a young man’s game. I’m almost 30 now. I’ve got real life problems to worry about. Being a gargantuan baby is part of my past but I’m all about looking forward. Yeah being on the front page of my local newspaper was fun and all but that was decades ago. I don’t want the singular event of me being a scale-tipping baby to define the rest of my life. I’m onto bigger and better things like making people giggle slightly as they bypass one of my tweets on their Twitter feed.

I do wanna say though, I hope these up-and-coming fat babies realize I was doing it before it was cool. I’m the Jackie Robinson of fat babies. I was a fat baby before these stories went mega viral and made these kids globally famous. Back in 1989 when I strolled outta my mom’s vagina weighing 14 pounds the only outlet that asked for a quote was the Cedar Rapids Gazette. Fox News didn’t come knocking, Us Weekly didn’t give a fuck. My name didn’t scroll across CNN’s news ticker. There weren’t any hashtags or Like or retweets. It was just me, my beautiful and exhausted mother and a local newspaper man. Now these kids are getting offers from Nick Saban straight outta the womb.

If I was bitter about this and cared that he weighed more than me I would point out the fact that he was born in Texas and how that’s basically cheating. The state’s slogan is literally, “Everything is bigger here” so no shit they were gonna pump out big babies. You know how home team’s automatically get three points in gambling? Well Texas babies automatically get like 5 pounds on their birth weight so in reality this kid only weighs 10 pounds. Nothing to write home about.