In 300 B.C., Aristotle famously said, “Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach.” In 1933, Albert Einstein said, “Teaching should be such that what is offered is perceived as a valuable gift and not as a hard duty.” And in 2018, 53-year-old teacher Deborah Lowe said to her 15-year-old student, “Who else can I be a slut with?”
Who else, indeed? That time is upon us once again. When we look back at the year just past in Sex Scandal Teachers, a tradition truly unlike any other.
As far as I can tell, the first Sex Scandal Teacher Starting Lineup was back in 2009. Like I’ve mentioned before, I thought to myself, “Gee, there’s been a lot of crazy teachers sleeping with their students lately,” and just to put a sports spin on it, organized them into a batting order. I figured it would be a one-off thing. Because surely there couldn’t be an endless supply of these stories, like the sex-crazed educator version of the unlimited, refillable fountain drink. But how wrong I was. A day or two later, a Stoolie emailed me one I’d missed. Then came another. And another. So I made Grading the Newest Sex Scandal Teacher into a regular feature, with a lineup at the end of the year.
I can honestly say that in all the time since I started GtNSST, it’s always the second thing people mention. Even the two years when I was working elsewhere I’d always get “Miss you at Barstool. Miss the Sex Scandal Teachers.” When I talked to Dave about coming back he said “So you’d be covering the Patriots. And bringing back the teacher thing? Great.” The same goes for some pro athletes I’ve met, who said they love the Stool then mentioned this feature. Once in a great while I’ll meet someone who thinks the idea of a hot older woman throwing her life away to bone a teenager is no laughing matter. And to them I say, “So when Stifler’s mom told Finch she likes her scotch aged 18 years and then banged him on a pool table, I take you ran out of the theater? Riiighttt.”
In just over two years I’ve done more than 260, and that doesn’t include the dozens I’ve skipped because they just didn’t live up to the exacting standards you’ve come to expect, and I’ll be damned if I’ll lower those standards now. Fortunately this past year, I didn’t have to. In fact it was probably the best lineup ever. With teachers from around the world. Of every color. With beauty pageant contestants, a football coach’s wife, a politician’s daughter and a teacher of Hollywood’s A-list celebrities’ kids. Presenting your …
2018 Sex Scandal Teacher Starting Lineup
Leadoff: Ann Kuroki, Idaho
I’m no Sabremetrician, though I appreciate some modern analytics. Just not when it comes to this spot in the lineup. Sorry nerds, but when it comes to the leadoff hitter, I’m with the guys in the windbreakers holding the radar guns. I was somebody who’s fast. Fearless. Who can’t be intimidated. Who’ll grind out at bats, work the count and drive opponents insane. That is Ann Kuroki. While helping one of her students edit his paper via Google Docs, the messages got increasingly “flirty.” Eventually she started buying the kid booze and taking him back to her place before his mom got suspicious. Ann actually went to the police with the boy’s mom, where she confessed that she’s done with the kid somewhere around 15 times. The detective who interviewed her said “Kuroki told me a part of her just wanted to see if we could catch her.” Putting the “Ho” Idaho; That’s the kind of tone-setter I want starting things off for me.
The 2-hole: Brittany Whetzel, South Carolina
Brittany Whetzel might not have the exceptional, God-given talent of some in this lineup. But no one can question her heart, her drive or her production. This Clemson product was with another teacher, Akina Andrews, and invited three students over booze and a demonstration of how the Tigers compete for a national title every year. She ended up riding to Bone Town with two of the kids, “multiple times.” How do we know this? From her Google searches, which included variations on “Can teachers get in trouble for sleeping with former students?” And texts she sent to one of them saying after he graduated they could make “beautiful babies” with him. (Note: She did not wait for graduation.) And if those messages aren’t incriminating enough, she sent her teacher friend the pretty unambiguous “I can’t control myself. I fucked him and it was good,” followed by “I’m serious as a heart attack.” So am I. When it comes to putting her this high in this order.
The 3-Spot: Lauren Ellen Ni Mhaonaigh, Ireland
When you get to the heart of the order, sometimes you have to throw out the numbers and just go by pure talent. Plus, you trust your gut. The details are scarce on Lauren Ellen Ni Mhonaigh when it comes to what she did or how many times she did it. Just that she was arrested by Irish authorities at the airport and ordered to turn in her passport and phone. Hell, I didn’t even know her name owing to a bizarre Irish law that forbids mentioning the accused in cases like this. But I got an email from a reader who confirmed her name and sent pictures and she was the stuff instant legends are made of. Including possibly this very NSFW video which may or may not be her but is identified as her on the very NSFW porn site its on. You decide. I just know I’m looking at one of the best there ever was.
Cleanup: Stephanie Peterson, Florida
A quick story: New Year’s Day I’m relaxing, having one of the Christmas cigars the Irish Rose was kind enough to give me, when my brother called. He didn’t wish me a Happy New Year or ask how New Year’s Eve was or even say hello. The first words out of his mouth were “So who’s the Cleanup Hitter gonna be?” I immediately said “Stephanie Peterson.” And I’m not going make a liar out of me, so here she is. But really, she’s a no-brainer. The total package. The looks of a Lauren Ellen Ni Mhaonaigh with the relentlessness of an Ann Kuroki. She began by sending nudes to her 8th grade student, picking him up for late night car sex, bedroom sex and blowjibbers in a barn. And any doubt she was a future Hall of Fame SST (there was never much) went out the window when she confessed in court. With her husband by her side. her greatness is part of what makes Florida the SST State.
No. 5 Hitter: Brittany Zamora, Arizona
In any other year, Brittany Zamora would be the clear runaway choice for heart of the order. This smokebomb once bragged on a sponsored website about meeting her future husband when they were both 16. Then by the time she was a 27-year-old professional educator, started sending nudes to a student three years younger than than through a school chatroom called Class Craft. Then came the intercourse and the blowies, including one in her car and another in the classroom, which was witnessed by another student. Followed by the texts, including, but not limited to, ““I know baby! I want you every day with no time limit,” and the now-classic “If I could quit my job and fuck you all day long, I would.” And at her arraignment she told the judge “I just want to get home to my husband.” A couple of weeks ago, some of those little details earned Brittany the rare third blog, which should’ve guaranteed her being the best of the year. But in this Murderer’s Row, she’s the Lou Gehrig to some other teacher’s Babe Ruth. There’s no shame in that.
Batting 6th: Amanda Eckblad, Wisconsin
Technically speaking, Amanda Eckblad isn’t a Sex Scandal Teacher at all. This Badger carried a badge. She was a school truant officer who apparently got tired of just visiting students’ houses to make sure they’re really home sick and not running around in Chicago singing “Twist and Shout” at parades that at weirdly being held in the middle of a school day. So her approach became more … hands on. As she made a sex tape with a 17-year-old student who for some reason or other was living with her. Based on her A+ selfie game, that was probably the Citizen Kane of homemade phone porn.
No. 7 Hitter: Chrystal Estelle Vega, Arkansas
In addition to having the best Champagne Room Stripper name on this list and hailing form John Daly’s hometown of Dardanelle, Chrystal Vega is (was?) the wife of the head coach of the Fighting Sand Lizards football team. And according to the Sand Lizards’ star running back, was providing the “head.” This 40-year-old Tami Taylor denied there was was any sex going on, but was spotted on surveillance video in her black Camaro in the park at the same time and place the kid said she was coaching him up about how to hit the hole. Assuming it’s true, there’s not a high school coach in the Deep South worth a damn who wouldn’t gladly get his wife involved this way if it meant motivating his players to win a state title. The great Dan Jenkins once wrote about seeing a sign in a college locker room that read, “Coeds Don’t Suck Losers’ Cocks.” And if an incentive like Camaro sex with Chrystal Vega won’t help your program, nothing will.
The 8-Hole: Ramsey Bearse, West Virginia
It’s got to be hard to win the 2014 Miss Kentucky pageant, four years later make Grading the Newest Sex Scandal Teacher and not get any higher on the list than 8th. But unlike a beauty pageant, I’m grading on more than just looks or your virtuoso violin playing. It’s also about what you do to earn it. In Ramsey Bearse’s case, she sent boob shots to one of her middle school students. That’s good. Who wouldn’t want bewb texts from her? But there were simply too many teachers going all out, putting out, and earning higher spots. But I’m willing to stick her here near the bottom of the order just on talent alone.
9th: Dori Myers, New York
Count me among those managers who sees the 9th spot as double-leadoff. I don’t want my table setters getting stuck behind some automatic out the second and third time through the lineup. I want someone good not clogging up the bases. I want a freak. Which is what Dori Myers is. This middle school social studies teacher and wife of a New York law enforcement officer is charges with “oral sexual conduct and anal sexual conduct with another person who was less than fifteen years old.” And if there seems to be a huge gap in between those two extremes to you, we are in agreement. To use the oldest baseball/sex metaphor in the world, she and her student went from second base straight to home, right over the pitcher’s mound. That fact, along with her penchant for wearing ironic tank tops gets her a coveted spot in this lineup.
Blonde Starting Pitcher: Tayler Boncal, Connecticut
Tayler Boncal is the lone New Englander on the club and earned it thanks to the (at least) five times this social sciences student teacher and track coach boned one of her students. The fact she did is not in dispute by her, the student or his parents who had no problem with the relationship, since their son was 18 at the time and Tayler was all of 21. (No word on what mom and dad thought of the “salacious texts and raunchy images” she was charged with sending him.) Even a spokesman from the town admitted they were “in love.” But the law is the law, I guess.
Brunette Starting Pitcher: Lesley Trapnell Douglas, Georgia
What Lesley Douglas lacked in salacious details, she made up for with a Sandra Bullock-like hotness/cuteness ratio and being a bit of a pioneer. As far as I know, she is the first and only SST to be arrested for having sex on a boat ramp.The Winfield Hills Boat Ramp 2 on the 7500 block of Lakeside Drive, to be exact. With her 19-year-old student. That made her all of four years older than the kid, who might not be the best student in the world, but he’s smart enough to know if you stay in high school past was should be your sophomore year in college, you get the pick of the Lesley Douglases. So he’s a genius.
Set Up: Natayla Nikandrova, Russia
For 8th inning relievers, I’m going not only with a pair of foreigners, but some with circumstances too unique to shoehorn them into the batting order. Natalya was the private tutor hired to teach the son of her millionaire friend, who is married to an oil tycoon and wanted the boy homeschooled by “some of the best educators in the city.” If by “the best” they meant the kind who would be caught “performing a sex act” by mom walking in on them, they got their rubles worth.
Set Up No. 2: Judith Ramsdale, UK
Judith Ramsdale’s unique circumstance is that she was the deputy head teacher at a school in Lancashire who got caught in the act of getting plowed on her desk. By another teacher. The place was supposed to be empty but a student was sent into the classroom by another teacher and walked in on them. Bonus: They’re both married. Extra bonus: It’s believed to have been caught on CCTV. Judith: Keeping the “head” in “assistant head teacher.”
Closer: Elizabeth Flint, Illinois
You want power at the back of the bullpen? I give you a fitness model. A former Miss EIU who had the decency to keep her Instagram up long after she became SST famous. And the indecency to get arrested and charged with taking home a student from the high school where she was doing an unpaid intership and banging him at her house. The accounts are down now, but she provided great blog fodder for a brief shining moment there, like at teacher deserving of a place in this mighty company.
Bench: Stephanie Carafa, New Jersey
Here is a fairly recent addition. And the fact that the daughter of the mayor of Lodi, New Jersey can’t even crack the starting lineup is a testament to nothing except how good the starting lineup is. The 32-year-old is accused of sending nude photos and a sex video to one of her middle schoolers, as well as having the extremely vague “sexual contact.” But with her Ariel Winters looks and status as a politician’s daughter, you’d think that would be enough. Not this year. Fortunately.
Bench: Aimee Palmitessa, California
Aimee Palmitessa is here much more for her production than her looks, OK as they are. She is a carry over from 2017 with an update for the ages thanks to a lawsuit somebody sent me. While working at the elite Brentwood School in Beverly Hills, a school that has graduated the kids of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Harrison Ford and a ton of other A-list celebrities, Aimee is alleged to have “groomed” a student. If by “groomed” the lawyers meant she held the kid’s hand in front of dozens of witnesses, got him high with edibles, coached him “to penetrate her anally with his fingers and his penis … had oral and vaginal sex several times during the fifteen plus hours they spent” at a hotel, and “guided him how to engage in ‘rough sex’ – choking, beating and spanking her while he anally penetrated her.” We didn’t get that kind of grooming in public school.
Manager: Linda Janack, Michigan
Unlike the others here, Linda did not, in fact, throw her career away for a few seconds of unsatisfying sex with a pimply faced high school kid or by letting some fellow teacher stir her insides on her desk. She walked away. And let her husband do the banging. On the internet. Linda apparently had had enough of educating America’s youth how to read/. And instead dedicated her life to pursuing the noble work of showing America’s adults (and the children of those who don’t know how parental controls work) what all the parts her body look like with a penis in them. Together the Janacks started the Chaturbate page “Hot for Teacher.” Thanks to some of our more Chaturbate-literate readers and for research purposes only, I checked it out. And it seems to appeal to those of you who are … well, hot for teachers. And since you’ve read this far, that probably describes you. So here’s the totally NSFW link, which can be found in this update blog.
Team President: Dawn Proffitt Diimmler, South Carolina
Putting the “vice” in Vice Principal, this MILFy, 44-year-old administrator got as much satisfaction out of a career of giving kids detention for running in the halls and collecting field trip admission slips and decided it was time to reap the same benefits as her the teachers in her charge. Benefits in the form of sex on school grounds twice and once in a hotel outside of town. She not only left a voicemail with the students mom where she confessed the whole thing, she copped to it in court. She could’ve made it just on the basis of her love of double initials. But her cougar, redhead looks are what makes me want to put her in charge.
Toughest Omission: Kayla Alayne Sprinkles, North Carolina
She’s got the name of a 1970s porn star. Amazing looks. And … not much else. Just an indictment for five counts of some sort of undisclosed sex acts with some student or other. I spent more hours pf my precious 2018 than I care to recount trying to find out more. But I can’t just give up on potential like hers, so I’m saving a roster spot for Ms. Sprinkles.
And there were many others I could’ve included, believe me. But the bar was simply set too high in this, perhaps the strongest Sex Scandal Teacher year to date. Click the links below and judge for yourself. And to all you aspiring SSTs out there, you know what you have to do to make next year’s. Have a great 2019, everyone. Ladies, school is back today. Get busy.