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GOLDEN STOOL

Here’s the scene.

A week ago, I am in a Men’s Room stall within the lobby of a hotel located close to the office.  I will not name this specific establishment because my last toilet blog has made me persona non-grata, at the James Hotel.

Apparently, the management at the James are either stoolies, or some of my readers are bitch-ass snitches.

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Anyhoo, I am in this new spot, dropping a GOLDEN STOOL inside the first of their 5 beautifully cleaned bathroom stalls, and there are two other gents in both the 3rd and 5th toilets doing the same with NOBODY at the urinals (There are 6 urinals in this specific bathroom).

— I don’t mean to sound too “Jason Bourne” with my exact recollection of the bathroom participants, but I always survey the landscape of public bathrooms before I make a decision of where I will deposit any one of my 5* main bodily fluids. —

So some stranger walks in and goes into the stall next to me and proceeds to urinate whilst standing up.

I know this because I hear the trickling, and he must’ve been tall because it had a dolloping sound as if he was shooting a weak hose off of a second story roof into a puddle below.  I heard this even over the noise I was making as I destroyed my own commode with the aforementioned GOLDEN STOOL, and I casually thought to myself, “Why would anyone choose to use a toilet stall to take a leak, in between 2 active and fragrant dumpers, when there are urinals that are wide open?”  Still, I didn’t pay it much mind because I was actively trying to pass something that was considerably larger than my anus, and I was fearing that I might blow an o-ring.

Fast forward to about a week later.

It’s Friday morning (today), and I am rushing to that same hotel after being locked in a radio studio for 2 hours with a co-host that I fear…  Since roughly 6:45 AM, a healthy serving of exotic game was looking to blaze a trail out of my rectum (I recorded a “weird food” video with Donnie yesterday), and by 9:45, I was beginning to crown.

I rush to that same hotel and this time I find only one free stall, so I enter in harried desperation only to find the seat covered with urine.

Holy fucking shit!

It had to be the “Stall Guy” from last week.  And I promise you right now if I ever find that son-of-a-bitch, I am gonna cover him in feces and urine from head to toe.

And I ain’t kidding…  I’ll throw him in the trunk of my car and hit every White Castle that’ll serve me.

When I get through with him it’ll look like some funky underground German porn shot, and I will forward a copy to his wife and daughter.

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Rest assured, my friend, you will EMBRACE the use of a urinal by the time I am done with you.

Take a report.

-Large

* The 5 bodily fluids (in no particular order) are feces, urine, sweat, semen, and sometimes tears.

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I mentioned GOLDEN STOOL twice, and you know that wasn’t coincidental.

This morning, they published my first foray onto BARSTOOL GOLD, and it’s a video of me telling a story.  I am going to record a handful of these, and then see where the platform takes me.  Hopefully, it can live up to the “unfiltered” promise, and I can ruffle a couple of feathers with some old-man inappropriateness.

Since I have never done any sort of video content before (partially because I don’t photograph well) this doesn’t take away from what I have been trying to provide in radio, blogs, and podcasts over the 7 months I have been at Barstool.

Eventually, there will be an AMA (Ask Me Anything) portion to Gold, and for this blog, feel free to CMA (Comment Me Anything) and I will peruse the comments for the next couple of hours and see if I can’t respond to any questions or concerns that aren’t a derivative of “You suck, fatso.” or concern the size of my dick.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy watching.

TAR.

-L