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Parrots Are Too Damn Smart And I Don't Care For It One Bit

There’s a story in the news about this parrot in England who keeps ordering random stuff on his owner’s Alexa. That’s weird enough. But then, it led me down a wild wormhole about how unreal bizarre parrots are.

Have you ever seen this video where the parrot orders a bunch of shit? It’s hilarious. The owner laughing at it is half of what’s funny, but honestly if I was the owner I would be so disturbed. Imagine what you would do if you didn’t have like, a child lock on? Your fucking sentient bird can just order random shit? How are you not absolutely terrified of this creature that can communicate with robots?

But this isn’t even the half of what freaks me out. I read a story about a parrot who wouldn’t stop swearing. I don’t care for the idea that they can articulate well enough to say words, let alone swear. Yes, it’s very cute and funny I guess that this one parrot told a firefighter to “fuck off” when he came to rescue the bird from a fire. Or maybe it’s fucking horrifying that a BIRD can mouth off to you. Imagine a bird flying at your face and clawing your eyes out while telling you to go fuck yourself. Not so cute now, huh. Plus, look at this shit:

Newsweek- Last year in Oregon, police were fooled by the melodramatic wails of a parrot. Officers rushed towards the sound of a screaming woman, only to discover a bird called Diego.

A bird is pretending to be a battered woman? A murder victim? Screaming realistically enough to freak out the police? Like, why does it know what that sounds like? The only thing I can think of is that the bird murdered its owner and is mimicking the desperate screams of this woman as she realizes it’s her fault she’s getting murdered because she let a creepy parrot into her home.

If this hypothetical woman did get murdered, I wouldn’t even feel bad for her. I absolutely do not feel any pity for anyone dumb enough to own a bird (looking at you, Hubbs and Marty Mush). These things are too damn smart. Why do we say “bird-brained” to refer to dumb people when these monstrous creatures exist? Every day I find a new reason why owning a bird is a fucked up thing to do. Sorry boys, I’m still not team bird.