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Twitter On The Shitter

Morning… Something random for the commute that I wrote while hungover.

It’s 5:30 AM, and I am taking a dump. 

And, as is so often the case, I check Twitter whilst in the shitter. 

And since that last line accidentally rhymes, I am going to trademark “Twitter on the shitter” for content purposes going forward. 

Which is another thing to contemplate before I go into in this long-winded rant…  I know some sexy social media pictures are sent directly from either the pool or from the nightclub, but the majority of the hot broads that guys follow on any social platform, send out their most sexy tweets/posts while squeezing out a huge stool in their respective bathrooms…  They HAVE to because time in the bathroom is the ultimate “down time” for everyone INCLUDING Instagram models.

I just want you to keep that in perspective before you find yourself aroused by a perfectly filtered and edited thong shot that received all those perfect filters and edits in between bowel cleaning pushes. 


But back to my specific thoughts from TOTS (Twitter on the shitter).  There is a story from last week’s Washington Post about a 7-year-old girl who died at the US/Mexico border while trying to enter this country illegally with her family, and for some reason, my timeline was littered with hundreds of threads trying to pose arguments for who is to blame.

“A story from LAST WEEK!?!?  That’s ancient history by now!”
-Someone who cares about timely blogs (not me, apparently)

Since I am not a huge sports guy, my twitter feed is filled with comedians and entertainers, and I used to enjoy the platform immensely.   Then something happened around November 8, 2016, that caused those people I follow to take a dramatic turn.  

The election of Trump has ruined Twitter for me. 

What used to be a place I would go to for either dick jokes or bouncing cosplay girls…

…. has now become a brochure to join the resistance.  

I get it… Hollywood is filled with liberals, but before Trump, most of them kind of “stayed in their lane,” politically.  Which is not to say liberal ideas shouldn’t be heard, but pre-Trump, liberal entertainers didn’t feel the need to rant about what they perceived as social injustice on EVERY platform possible.

(For the record, I am an overweight semi-conservative cisgender who doesn’t like to be painted with one brush, so I very rarely vote blindly across party lines.  I tend to develop my political identity issue by issue.)

When Barry O. was president, we still had rant-worthy outrages being executed globally, but social media wasn’t the go-to place for those rants to be aired…  Or at least it wasn’t for the 200 or so people I followed on Twitter.  But the outrage and vitriol caused by Donald’s election were just too much to bottle up, so even the most benign tweeters in my timeline have taken to the platform to express their disdain.  The jokes and boobs were shelved, and the political opinions were brought forth.

Again…  This is just my experience.  I am sure there are a plethora of vegans reading this now who have had active social-warrior chat rooms for decades, and I respect that if that is what floats your filthy hemp-wrapped boat.

To combat my Twitter’s move to the left, I thought I would balance the scales a tad by following some of the more conservative folk, but that has caused a virtual he said/she said on my timeline that really is eye-opening to the fact that facts themselves are very difficult things to come by nowadays…  And in an attempt to seem quasi-impartial, I will tell you some of these overly-conservative voices are equally despicable, if not more so.

Case in point: The now “ancient” story I mentioned above about the poor 7-year-old girl who died of complications from shock and dehydration while in custody after trying to seek asylum in the US illegally. 

I happen to have a 7-year-old girl, so I actually feel compelled to have an opinion here.  Even at 5:30 AM.  And, as is so often the case, my opinion is simple…  Maybe overly so.  

I blame the parents of this little girl for having her walk through the desert without the proper provisions.  

It’s not a HOT TAKE.  Even expressing it may seem hypocritical because 7 AM Barstool is not your arena for political discussions much in the same way 5:30 AM Twitter is not mine.  However, I will continue on with this train of thought in the hope I will make a profanity-and-pornography-laced-point near the end of this blog.

I know her parents were perhaps too poor to properly prep for the trip…  They weren’t exactly “glamping” outside of the wall…  But then my argument would be for them to not have embarked on a deadly trip at all. 

I called it “deadly” because a trek through the desert is just that…  It causes death.  So there were inherent risks before they took their first ill-advised step towards our border, and their odds of completing their journey were always poor.  As a result, her death was EXTREMELY unfortunate, but also EXTREMELY predictable.

However, the not-so-far-left on Twitter is blaming it all on Trump, saying his policies directly neglected this kid of the help she needed.

Conversely, the not-so-far-right is proposing we line the border with landmines in order to send a message to those who want to make a run for the border in the future.

Both sides are wrong, and her tragic death is not something that can be politically weaponized, no matter how hard both sides try.

The semantics of the story is important, but it’s tough to get a fair assessment of what happened exactly because of the “spin” attached depending what source you are looking at.  The bottom line seems abundantly clear though- A young girl died after her parents made a terrible decision.  Her treatment wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t inhumane given the resources at that border station.

My point is that this is the type of story I would normally read in The Washington Post.  The type of story I would maybe read at my desk, or discuss at the dinner table with my wife and kids.  It’s a story where I ultimately mourn for this poor child and feel sorry for her grieving family.

What it isn’t, is a story I need to see a HOT TAKE on Twitter at 5:30 AM from a guy who is doing a set at the Chuckle Hut on Route 17 next Tuesday night.  Nor is it a story you need to be hashed out by an over-the-hill blogger who spends FAR too much time on the toilet.

To those people I say… There’s a time and a place for everything, so save the outrage.  Save the rhetoric.

I want my fucking timeline back.

I want my dick jokes back…

What’s the difference between your dick and a joke?
Nobody laughs at your jokes.

What’s the difference between MY dick and a joke?
Your mom never gets my jokes.

I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee.
Without other people’s dicks in it.

Got a handjob from a blind girl who told me, “You have the biggest dick I’ve ever put my hands on.”
And I said, “Nah. You’re just pulling my leg.”

Blind prostitutes… You really gotta hand it to them.

You have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand, so what do you have?
Kermit’s undivided attention.


I want my bouncing GIFs back…

And I said “GIFs”, which means more than one.

Let the Washington Post do the Washington posting, and let’s get back to making bowel movements great again…  Who’s with me?

No one?


Then I am going back to bed.

Take a report.