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AFTP- Jim Carrey?

Good morning.

I took my family down the shore this past weekend to see some other family members before the holidays Christmas.  The weather was far from ideal for most people to head to the beach, but it was optimum conditions for me to fire up the Green Egg and cook like I had a tip on a famine whilst drinking like I had lost a loved one.

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As is so often the case, my wife drove us down early Saturday morning while the kids and I were in the back watching movies.  I don’t know if that is still a pride swallow for some husbands, but it’s not for me.  I don’t enjoy driving AND I am not very good at it, whereas my wife is an excellent driver and she treats every trip as a race…  WAZE will give her their “Estimated Time of Arrival”, but she reads it as her “Time To Beat”.  I don’t have that competitive nature when it comes to jockeying for position on the Garden State Parkway, so I politely decline all driving duties unless I am needed.

Plus, I like being driven around…  Makes me feel important.

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However, I do enjoy watching movies, and I am VERY good at that.  So when road trips begin, I become one of the kids in the back of our truck… A fat bald kid with gout and bad knees, but a kid nonetheless.

When the kids were younger, the movie selection was fucking atrocious.  For every viewing of The Princess Bride, I had to first sit through a dozen showings of The Wiggles or The Wonder Pets.  But as they have gotten older, we are able to watch a relatively solid rotation of PG and PG13 movies without me ever having to hear effeminate Australian guys sing about fruit salad ever again.

“Wake up Jeff!”…  And go fuck yourself.

Nowadays, amongst this new bandolier strap of DVDs or downloaded movies, Jim Carrey flicks have become a go-to for films my kids will watch in the car.

The Mask, Dumb and DumberLiar Liar, Bruce Almighty, Yes Man, Mr. Popper’s Penguins, Lemony Snicket, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, and The Grinch are all primed and ready to go if we are packing up the car and getting away, but Saturday’s choice was the original Ace Ventura movie which is tailor-made for kids…  Carrey does enough over-the-top physical comedy to keep them all laughing, and there’s just enough innuendo to keep perverts involved also.

As we are watching Ace Ventura, I see a young Courteney Cox and wonder whether or not she would make a serviceable Ass From The Past.  She was certainly popular enough for the past 3 decades.  She’s 54 years old.  Her last name plays well into that old joke- “You are what you eat.”  She was in a Bruce Springsteen video 35 years ago.  Her sitcom, Friends, was the biggest sitcom in the world for 10 years.  And she has also been visible in a handful of movies that I think everyone over 40 has seen, such as…

Well…

Such as Scream parts 1, 2, 3, and 4, I guess.

(Truth be told, I thought her IMDB page would be more impressive.)

Similarly, I thought old pictures of her would’ve been more impressive, but the more digging I did, the more something became apparent:  Courteney Cox was the least attractive member of the Friends cast (including the guys), and also the one who was most difficult to masturbate to (including the guys again).

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I just wasn’t able to find any cheesecake shots of her from the past that revved my motor, so I decided to pass on her as a potential nominee for AFTP and to continue watching Ace Ventura unfettered with my kids.

And then it hit me.

Jim Carrey movies all have AFTP‘s imbedded in them.

Sometimes they are major characters, like Cameron Diaz (who I threw up as an Ass From The Past in mid-August).

But often times they have only bit roles in his movies.

Case in point: Rebecca Ferratti whose character in Ace Ventura is only credited as “Sexy Woman”, but who I think stole the show as the dog owner that was VERY grateful to see her puppy saved by Ace from the evil clutches of Randy “Tex” Cobb at the beginning of the movie.

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I was going to just blow by Rebecca because I have a couple other broads to get to today, but it winds up her backstory is one I can really sink my teeth into, so I will expound a tad.

Rebecca Ferratti is a 54-year-old former actress, model, and dancer.  She has had bit parts in over 25 movies and danced sluttily in music videos for Aerosmith, David Lee Roth, Motley Crüe, Winger, DIO, and Cheap Trick.

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She has completed predictable advertising campaigns for Budweiser, Miller Light, Coors, Michelob, Strohs, Harley-Davidson, Snap-On Tools, and Coppertone.

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Not afraid to dump them out, she was Playmate of the Month in the June 1986 issue of Playboy Magazine…  I don’t like to post pics that have the naughty bits blocked out because it is usually a waste of time.  But I think the pose, hair, and scenery of this particular centerfold really give the youngsters reading this blog an authentic idea of what porn was like in the mid-80s.

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3 things:
1) No matter what this picture may imply, a recent 23andMe DNA test found Rebecca has virtually no Native-American ancestry.
2) I believe that is a dream catcher she is wearing as an earring.
3) The star covering her pubic mound is noticeably bigger than the other 2 stars because Rebecca’s genital grooming style back then could be best described as equal parts “feathered” and “hip-to-hip”.

At her apex, she stood a mighty 5’5″, weighed 105 aggressive pounds, measured 34-24-34, but never had the good sense to get out of the rain.

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She kissed Martin Short’s character “Little Ned” in the 1986 movie Three Amigos…

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And she used the well-deserved fame she garnered from that film to secure a co-starring role in the 1988 b-movie Cheerleader Camp with the future porn star, Teri Weigel.

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That’s a lot of information for a girl that had 1 minute of screen time, so I will move on.

You’ll remember 1,000 words ago I said this edition of AFTP would be girls from Jim Carrey movies, so after Cameron and Rebecca, I have 2 more bit players.

The first is the girl who walked by Jim after he learned he had the power of God in Bruce Almighty

Her name is Rina Fernandez, and she’s a South American actress you’ll never see again.

And the second is the girl in the elevator that is confronted by Jim’s inability to tell a lie in the aptly titled Liar Liar

This “Elevator Girl” has a little more of a shelf life…  She’s Krista Allen, and I will try to sum her up in 1 sentence.  She’s an extremely likable 47-year-old vegan/yoga instructor/stand-up comedian who starred in Baywatch for a short while and was married to an Iranian rapper for 2 years.

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That’s a lot of info in one blog, but to sum up- Jim Carrey has rapidly morphed into an insufferable Hollywood douchebag.

However, in his prime, he was involved in a handful of movies that allowed me to reminisce with you today about multiple asses from the past.

Thank you kind sir, and take a report.

-Large