Mommy Blogger Celebrates Her Kid's Sixth Birthday By Saying He Sucks At Getting Her Likes On Instagram

For a lot of people birthdays can be tough. They’re a reminder to look back at your life and compare yourself to your peers. Think back through every decision or choice you ever made and see just how big a factor that played in getting you to your current station. Did I got to the right school, choose the right major, accept the right job, invest in the right stocks, marry the right woman, have kids at the right time, all of it is a grueling exercise in self-evaluation while intermittently responding to “HBD” texts with a “Thanks! Another year in the books!” and getting bombarded with Facebook comments from the likes of your high school Spanish teacher. I don’t love or hate birthdays, but I can understand whatever feeling it is you have toward them. However, at six they’re probably supposed to be generally fun. I know my sixth was spent on the USS Massachusetts chopping it up with Jason the Red Ranger and it was a real gas.

Gotta be real tough to turn six and learn mommy doesn’t love you because you drag down her IG analytics and fuck up the algorithm that gets her on everyone’s front page. You’re supposed to be focused on earning mother’s affection through penne necklaces and hand traced turkeys, meanwhiles she’s up at all hours of the night analyzing your like/comment ratio and wondering if it’s your squinty eyes strangers hate or the fact that you weren’t a baby long enough to garner the internet’s favor.

It’s a tough world, the internet, but it’s where we live now, Mason. No one gives a fuck about what age you learned to walk or grew your first baby tooth or said your first word. Gone are the days or being impressed by your quick understanding of the alphabet or how well you can write the number 5 (that one gave me trouble, if you can’t tell). All that matters is social media clout. You can be the smartest, most athletically gifted child to ever live but if you ain’t getting likes then mom is disappointed in you.

Hope that doesn’t affect your self-esteem one day, though.

PS – Part of me thinks she’s an evil genius and this was just a ploy to get more likes and comments to send Mason’s numbers through the roof.